College Program
This week I spoke at a convention in Phoenix, Arizona for the career counselors of the Top MBA programs in the country. The audience of more than 400 professionals was wonderful! As I was preparing I was concerned that I would be preaching to the choir about body language as MBA career counselors are constantly coaching their MBA students on the topic. But thankfully the program was a huge hit and they came up afterward and shared their surprise about so much that they'd learned: how important the handshake is and the importance of gender differences in body language and much more. You can learn more about my college programs on the College Programs portion of my website.
Signs a Guy Likes You
I remember when I was a little girl my friends and I would pick wild flowers in the field behind my house. I would hold a flower and think of a guy I liked and pick off petals saying, "He loves me. He loves me not." Now you don't have to pick the petals off a flower to tell if a guy likes you. You can watch his body language.
Animals like to show off and make themselves look good when they are attracted to the opposite sex. It's called preening. You may preen by touching or gently twisting your hair around your fingers when you are with a guy you like. Guys preen as well.
When a guy likes you he may:
A man may also signal he like you by:
Turning his toes towards you when he is talking with you. (Notice especially if the toes stay pointed towards you when you are talking.) We naturally tend to point our toes towards people who interest us -- It's like a compass pointing towards true north.
The rest of his body may show he is into you as well. He could be talking to someone else, but if he notices you and he is attracted to you, he may angle his feet, his lower torso and/or his heart towards you and may not even realize it.
Notice his eyes to see if he is into you. When he looks you in the eye, his pupils (the black circles in the middle of his eyeballs) will get bigger if he likes you. If he likes what he sees he wants to see it well so the pupils dilate to take you in. Pupil dilation happens automatically when you are attracted to someone. Since a guy cannot control it, it is a great 'tell'. However it can also occur when someone is drunk or drugged or in low lighting so don't automatically whoop and say, "He loves me!" when a man's eyes dilate.
Animals like to show off and make themselves look good when they are attracted to the opposite sex. It's called preening. You may preen by touching or gently twisting your hair around your fingers when you are with a guy you like. Guys preen as well.
When a guy likes you he may:
- Slick back his hair with his hand
- Smooth out his eyebrows.
- Straighten his shirt collar
- Smooth out the "invisible wrinkles in his pants
- Adjust his belt or pull up the waist of his pants
A man may also signal he like you by:
Turning his toes towards you when he is talking with you. (Notice especially if the toes stay pointed towards you when you are talking.) We naturally tend to point our toes towards people who interest us -- It's like a compass pointing towards true north.
The rest of his body may show he is into you as well. He could be talking to someone else, but if he notices you and he is attracted to you, he may angle his feet, his lower torso and/or his heart towards you and may not even realize it.
Notice his eyes to see if he is into you. When he looks you in the eye, his pupils (the black circles in the middle of his eyeballs) will get bigger if he likes you. If he likes what he sees he wants to see it well so the pupils dilate to take you in. Pupil dilation happens automatically when you are attracted to someone. Since a guy cannot control it, it is a great 'tell'. However it can also occur when someone is drunk or drugged or in low lighting so don't automatically whoop and say, "He loves me!" when a man's eyes dilate.
What Do His Eyes Say? Eye behavior, Attraction and Lying
True or false - The meaning of eye cues
Recently a national magazine sent me these eye cues and asked me if the meanings they had listed by them where accurate. They where looking for cues that women could use to read men. Here are my answers.
• True or False: He flashes his eyebrows = He’s attracted to you - A guy raises his eyebrows in a friendly greeting as a signal of "I come in friendship and you don’t need to be fearful of my approach." It’s very primal. If the eyes were squinted into a narrow focus it would signal that the he may be zeroing in for attack.(In other words perhaps purely a sexual conquest.) If the eyebrow flash stays a moment longer it typically signals, “I recognize you and I am approaching in friendship." Picture the little cartoon bubble above the guys head saying,"Oh I know you and I like you." If the eyebrow flash stays a moment longer and is combined with a real smile that goes all the way to the eyes it could signal attraction. He is saying, “I like what I see so I want my eyes to stay open longer to enjoy it.”
• His brows scrunch together and lift in the middle = He’s sad/disappointed
Actually that is not quite accurate. In intense sadness the eyes look down and the and the upper eyelids droop and most importantly only the inner corners of the upper eyebrows go up. So you see the eyebrows raised in the middle of the face above the nose.You can see deep furrows or set of furrows above the nose and you will also see two furrows going out and down from the outer corners of each of the eyes. The unique eye cue that only shows in deep sadness is the raised inner corners of the upper eyebrows. Paul Eckman, the father of facial expression research, shares in his book, Emotions Revealed, that a few actors like Woody Alan and Jim Carrey use that eyebrow cue quite often. I think it makes us feel sorry for them like little lost puppies. Make that Basset hound puppies.
• He closes his eyes for more than a second while speaking = He might be lying – It could mean that, but again you have to note what is happening as he shuts his eyes. We shut our eye when we don’t like what we are seeing. We may close them a bit longer than a normal blink when we hear something we don’t like or when we don’t like or believe what we are saying. (So if they guy closes his eyes in an unnaturally long blink as he says, “I will call you,” don’t wait by the phone. Know a guy may close his eyes a moment longer than normal throughout the entire conversation if he is tired or if he is with someone he doesn’t like or he doesn’t like where the conversation is going.
• His eyes shift down and to the right = He’s experiencing a deep emotion. It is not that simple though you can find some NLP books that say this is true. It is actually more complex than that. If the guy is right handed and he looks down and to the right he may be accessing emotions. Please don’t quote this as down to the right means he experiences deep emotions -- it is not accurate. And eye accessing happens so quickly most people won’t be able to catch it consciously. You could look for another eye cue to see if a man is attracted to you. When someone is looking down with both eyes it can be a signal of submission so if a guy is talking to you and he smiles and looks down with both eyes he may be silently saying, "You are so beautiful I would be dazzled and overwhelmed if I kept looking at you. I bow (with my eyes) to your loveliness." Note that looking down can also indicate that the person is feeling guilty so watch if his eyes go down as he says he is single and available!
Gestures and Body Language Men
Gestures and Gender based differences in body language
Men’s gestures are larger, more sweeping and forceful, such as pointing or using a closed fist. Men stroke their chins more, move their legs and feet more, and tap their feet more.
Exclusive to men: stretching hands and cracking knuckles, both feet on the floor with legs apart, legs stretched out, ankles crossed, knees spread apart when sitting
Exclusive to women: hand or hands in lap, tapping, hands or legs crossed at the knees, ankles crossed, knees slightly apart.
Men’s gestures are larger, more sweeping and forceful, such as pointing or using a closed fist. Men stroke their chins more, move their legs and feet more, and tap their feet more.
Exclusive to men: stretching hands and cracking knuckles, both feet on the floor with legs apart, legs stretched out, ankles crossed, knees spread apart when sitting
Exclusive to women: hand or hands in lap, tapping, hands or legs crossed at the knees, ankles crossed, knees slightly apart.
Eye Contact's Effect on Credibility and Trustworthiness.
"He didn't look me in the eye. I just couldn't trust him." What makes someone credible? According to the research, competence, trustworthiness and dynamism are the three main components that make up credibility. Competence is defined as the communicator's knowledge and expertise about the communication. Trustworthiness is a measure of the communicator's honesty and sincerity. Dynamism is a person's energy and confidence in communicating. Nonverbal communication is vital to competence, trustworthiness and dynamism because these qualities are rarely stated directly. For example, people rarely say, "I am competent" or "I am trustworthy."
THE IMPORTANCE OF EYE BEHAVIOR AND EYE CONTACT
The most noticeable nonverbal behavior that affects credibility is eye behavior and eye contact. Like the old saying, "Eyes are your window to the world," eyes can be the window to credibility. Studies on eye contact and its effect on communication and credibility find that maintaining a steady gaze while communicating is beneficial to credibility, and conversely, averting eye contact is detrimental to credibility. Eye contact studies have produced information about the effect of eye contact on the three components of credibility. In tests where these three components were isolated, eye behaviors had little effect on dynamism. The competence and trustworthiness categories, however, produced a significant link.
When volunteers were asked to rate the competence of communicators with low eye contact and with high eye contact, the competence ratings were significantly higher for the subjects who exhibited high eye contact with the audience. The same test produced the same results in measuring trustworthiness of those with low eye contact and high eye contact.
THE IMPORTANCE OF EYE BEHAVIOR AND EYE CONTACT
The most noticeable nonverbal behavior that affects credibility is eye behavior and eye contact. Like the old saying, "Eyes are your window to the world," eyes can be the window to credibility. Studies on eye contact and its effect on communication and credibility find that maintaining a steady gaze while communicating is beneficial to credibility, and conversely, averting eye contact is detrimental to credibility. Eye contact studies have produced information about the effect of eye contact on the three components of credibility. In tests where these three components were isolated, eye behaviors had little effect on dynamism. The competence and trustworthiness categories, however, produced a significant link.
When volunteers were asked to rate the competence of communicators with low eye contact and with high eye contact, the competence ratings were significantly higher for the subjects who exhibited high eye contact with the audience. The same test produced the same results in measuring trustworthiness of those with low eye contact and high eye contact.
We Hold Little Girls More Than Little Boys
Boy babies are put down sooner and not touched as much as girls... Mothers hold their girl babies longer than boys right after birth. They touch and caress girls more and give them more eye contact and smiles. Boy babies, even in their first baths after birth, are handled less gently and put in their own beds away from their mothers sooner. And we wonder why men and women are different. What have you noticed about touch differences between men and women?
Men and Women Act Differently Because They Don't Look That Different
Women and men learn to communicate in particular ways because those ways are associated with their gender and are nurtured and rewarded. Zoologists, biologists and anthropologists say that unlike certain animal species in which the males and females are easily distinguished, we look pretty much alike. The first question a stranger will ask someone holding a baby is, "Is it a boy or a girl?" AND LADIES, WE GET INSULTED THAT THEY CAN'T TELL, DON'T WE? So we learn behaviors in childhood that help us to be identified as masculine or feminine. What we learn may be different in Auburn, Alabama than in Bangkok, Thailand. AND, what you learn growing up may not fit the cultural needs or gender roles of today. What has your cultural heritage taught you about gender differences?
Women Make Eye Contact More Than Men and Listen More Than Men
In a conversation women look more at the other person than men do. A woman talking to another woman makes more eye contact than a man conversing with another guy. Women spend more time looking at their romantic partner than men do. Is it because they are more inclined towards building relationships? Eye contact differences may be related to listening. Women listen more in male-female pairs than men do and listeners look more than the speaker does. The higher the status of the person the more we listen to them. When we want approval we give more eye contact. When we are seeking more nonverbal information so we can know how to respond to the person in power, we make eye contact. Research shows that when a woman is looked at during an interaction with a male or female, she likes that person more. When men were told their partner looked more than usual, they had a less favorable evaluation of them.
fear of germs and use of antibacterial liquid
Another liquid sighting that absolutely blew my mind. I was at Home Depot yesterday. Guess what they where selling at the cash register? Antibacterial Liquid! Does it boggle your mind that dirty, dusty, sweaty men in paint covered t-shirts and caps driving trucks are feeling the fear of germs enough to use this liquid? Does that mean I won't be able to shake hands any more with my handy man?
Advice for Video Resume and Interviews and Body Language
I am a body language expert and media and job interview coach. As employers get more savvy about technology and more people are giving video interviews and asking for video resumes. I have been blogging about what to do to prepare for your video interview or resume. In my chapter on first impressions in my book Success Signals I share the research finding that the four major factors that affect first impressions are credibility, likability, attractiveness and power. You will notice that great job experience is not listed. My advice to those seeking a job through their video resume is to look as attractive as possible. Get your hair done and put on full make up if you are a woman and at least apply powder if you are a man. I know you might not do that in "real life" but a real job requires some work and a video make up artist can help you look fantastic. As you might guess the research show that the most attractive job candidate typically wins the job, and that attractiveness factor assessment is even more important when the selection is being made by going through a series of videos. Next, practice greeting with a natural "high energy" body language and vocal paralanguage. It will make you look powerful and confident. According to research on interviewing from the 60's to the present day most hiring decisions are made during the first 10 seconds of a face to face interview. You can't shake hands and establish normal rapport in a video "interview." And most research on video viewing indicates that you may have only a fraction of a second to gain a positive first impression. Smile confidently and speak with a slightly louder than normal voice to insure that you sound self assured. Search here for more blogs on the topic. attached is a blog I did on the topic.
Body Language for Building Your Relationship with Your Preteen
Practical Ideas for Sustaining Your Relationship With Your Preteen - Before He or She is Out The Door"
1. Eat dinner with your family face to face at a table at least three times a week. There is enormous amounts of research that it effects many things from a child's ability to read body language and feel comfortable and adept at human interactions, to it reducing teen dropouts and drug abuse because children are checked in with and nurtured on a daily basis for more than the typical fifteen minutes.
2. Put your preteen in the back seat of the car and talk to her. With the front of her body protected and hidden she more likely to self disclose, sharing things she would normally not share in everyday conversation. If she is in the car with her friends listen to the conversation. They will share things, and oddly they will know you are listening and sometimes share more!
3. Always make it a point to go to your child and interact with them as they leave the house, return to the house. go to bed and rise the morning. The rituals or greeting, goodbyes, good night and good morning, especially when their is touch, bond your relationship and make your child feel more secure and connected to you. With that connection they are more likely to feel safe sharing their concerns and fears when and if they have them. You are also more likely to notice if they stop or try to avoid one of the rituals and will know quickly that something may be amiss. Don't let them talk you out of the ritual, with the, "I am too old for that." excuse. Tell them you need the ritual, because you do. Face it, a teenager can be get temperamental and mean, having rituals that help you love on her a few times a day reminds you that she still is your, "baby."
4. If you spend time face to face with your child you know what their “normal” body language is, how they sit, what their energy level is, what their voice sounds like, what their facial expressions and emotional reactions are like. Understanding and knowing the “baseline” of your preteen helps alerts quickly to behaviors that stray from the norm. For example your normally energetic talker now won’t make eye contact at the dinner table. Some changes occur with approaching adolescence but some changes signal depression, being ostracized by peers, problems with web bullies and drug use.
5. Notice when your child's does something RIGHT and praise her and reward her immediately so she doesn't have to do something bad to get your attention. For more insights in dealing with your preteen you may wish to purchase my book, Success Signals at www.PattiWood.net
1. Eat dinner with your family face to face at a table at least three times a week. There is enormous amounts of research that it effects many things from a child's ability to read body language and feel comfortable and adept at human interactions, to it reducing teen dropouts and drug abuse because children are checked in with and nurtured on a daily basis for more than the typical fifteen minutes.
2. Put your preteen in the back seat of the car and talk to her. With the front of her body protected and hidden she more likely to self disclose, sharing things she would normally not share in everyday conversation. If she is in the car with her friends listen to the conversation. They will share things, and oddly they will know you are listening and sometimes share more!
3. Always make it a point to go to your child and interact with them as they leave the house, return to the house. go to bed and rise the morning. The rituals or greeting, goodbyes, good night and good morning, especially when their is touch, bond your relationship and make your child feel more secure and connected to you. With that connection they are more likely to feel safe sharing their concerns and fears when and if they have them. You are also more likely to notice if they stop or try to avoid one of the rituals and will know quickly that something may be amiss. Don't let them talk you out of the ritual, with the, "I am too old for that." excuse. Tell them you need the ritual, because you do. Face it, a teenager can be get temperamental and mean, having rituals that help you love on her a few times a day reminds you that she still is your, "baby."
4. If you spend time face to face with your child you know what their “normal” body language is, how they sit, what their energy level is, what their voice sounds like, what their facial expressions and emotional reactions are like. Understanding and knowing the “baseline” of your preteen helps alerts quickly to behaviors that stray from the norm. For example your normally energetic talker now won’t make eye contact at the dinner table. Some changes occur with approaching adolescence but some changes signal depression, being ostracized by peers, problems with web bullies and drug use.
5. Notice when your child's does something RIGHT and praise her and reward her immediately so she doesn't have to do something bad to get your attention. For more insights in dealing with your preteen you may wish to purchase my book, Success Signals at www.PattiWood.net
Men like to talk side to side, Woman perfer to talk face to face
There are unique aspects of matching and mirroring and being in sync with another person that help build rapport, but there is another nonverbal factor that concerns what I call body Windows. The central window is the window at the middle of your chest that I call the heart window. When men sit across a table a counter or desk facing another man and their heart windows are open and unprotected in can cause them to feel uncomfortable and awakens their primal fears of danger. Men feel that in that vulnerable position that must battle and in a business interaction that leads to disagreements, defensiveness, ego battles and verbal attacks. Because of this primal warring position even little boys will move their chairs and work to sit and stand side by side. In that position their heart is protected and they feel that the man beside them physically is also symbolically on their side. In fact, men feel so much safer that they will self disclose more and communicate more effectively in a side by side to side or catty corner position than from the more opposition causing male face to face position. Woman actually are wired to speak positioned face to face They are built to create and nurture relationships and from this position they can see all the body language and respond accordingly. Again, men prefer to have their hearts protected and be on the "same side" when they talk. For more information on this you can read the chapter on body windows in my book success signals www.PattiWood.net. Go to the products page to order
Methods of dealing with Conflict learned from the echidna
Would keeping cool under stress make you live longer? Well, if you were to model the behavior of the long-beaked echidna, one of the oldest, most passive and silliest-looking mammals on the planet, you might try a little “You live your life and I live mine” philosophy to increase your longevity.According to echidna researcher Dr. Peggy Rismiller of the University of Adleaide in a New York Times article on the ehidna www://www.nyt.com,echidnas are not only “the oldest surviving mammalian group, but individual monotremes can live 50 years or longer.”
So what specific conflict tools do they use? Well according to Take, 1952, when disturbed an echidna buries itself rapidly in the ground. Now that reminds me of men I have dated. Forget the guys going into the cave a la Grey's Mars vs. Venus to fight stress, just bury yourself in the ground when you're upset. In my workshops, I do teach that there are times to avoid conflict, but I wouldn’t recommend staying underground too long. Someone might forget you were mad and walk right over you.
Maybe we should learn to be level headed like the echidna. Though if 50 percent of our brain was the language rich, reasoning, rational thinking neocortex like the Echidna's instead of the measly 30 percent we have, it might be easier not to rant and rave under stress. Again being reasonable is always great, but I recommend making conflict management choices based on the situation rather than shouting out to the galaxy that we all need is to be more logical-- a sort of Star Trek's Spock-- under stress. Of course, there may be another reason the pacifistic echidna can deal well with conflict and live a long life. They are covered with spines. When I meet anyone spinney I know I avoid conflict with them. So let’s add one more conflict management choice to the mix. Sometimes it’s good to be sharp and aggressive. So what have we learned? Be like a long-beaked echidna and have more than one way of dealing with conflict. You can choose to:
1. Let it go and don't stress about it
2. Leave it or avoid it
3. Be logical and reasonable
4. Be aggressive
5. Be weird looking
For specific tools to deal effectively with conflict you may wish to check out my books, “The Conflict Cure” and “Sword Shields Daggers and Handshakes” on the products page of my website www.pattiwood.net or consider having me come in to speak to your group or talking to me about one-on-one coaching.
Music Memories
The article about song memories that I referred two posts ago just appeared here is the link. I am quoted in the second paragraph.
http://tunesnews.com/love-music-and-memories/
Since then my grad school roommate and I have reminisced about listening the Sade's song. "You give me the sweetest taboo." while we danced around the house one night before going out. It was a good memory as I spent almost every night for seven years of grad school studying at the house or library or at my night job heading a survey research team. Going out was a big treat and going out with my roommate who was and is so much fun was a special treat.
We also remembered being in the car with a guy freind and rocking out to a song about MTV. We sang the lyrics on the phone with each other yesterday and were transported back to the eighties. Ahh.....music memories.
http://tunesnews.com/love-music-and-memories/
Since then my grad school roommate and I have reminisced about listening the Sade's song. "You give me the sweetest taboo." while we danced around the house one night before going out. It was a good memory as I spent almost every night for seven years of grad school studying at the house or library or at my night job heading a survey research team. Going out was a big treat and going out with my roommate who was and is so much fun was a special treat.
We also remembered being in the car with a guy freind and rocking out to a song about MTV. We sang the lyrics on the phone with each other yesterday and were transported back to the eighties. Ahh.....music memories.
Fear of germs and use of antibacterial liquid
Oh my goodness, more news on antibactirial liquid. I was watching a special on NBC about Obama's West Wing and the dispensers showed up on the desks of Obama's secretary and several cabinet members and they mentioned his "body guy" carries some for the president. We have become germaphobic. I can just see it now. Obama shaking hands with UK prime minister Gordon Brown and then asking for a antigerm blast from his presidential dispenser.
Do you have "song memories?"
I responded to a media query today about music memories from a journalist at Tunes News – http://tunesnews.com
The piece is going to be about songs and the memories that they evoke. The entire piece is revolving around the upcoming release of Song Journals – http://songjournals.com , which is dedicated people sharring their song memories. Do you have memories that come to you when you hear certain songs?
I am very interested in the concept of song journals. My journals from teenage years up untill till about five years ago were filled with the titles of songs. I would write in not just the titles but because I wanted to be a lyricist often the song lyrics. As an expert on nonverbal communication I am fascinated with the connection in the limbic brain of music to emotion and memory.
As a kid in sixties, I remember sitting in the way way back of the station wagon singing along with my two sisters t “See you in September” as my family drove to Florida one summer.
In the seventies I remember sitting together with my three best girlfriends in the front seat of a old 56 seven Chevy car dancing to “I shot the sheriff. “ on the way to a high school football game. In fact I was with my high school best friend Rose yesterday and we shared that mutual memory.
Also in the seventies I remember listening one Sunday afternoon to Casey Casem’s top 40 on the whole house stereo. I was dancing around my house pool to the rock hit “Smoke on the Water.” In junior high, I remember standing up against the wall at big school dance feeling so lonely and humiliated because no one asked me to dance to “Color my World.” For four years whenever I heard that song I longed to dance to it and finally I was able to in my senior year of high school and I now have a fantastic memory of dancing to it with my high school crush, a college boy, at a church dance!
I also remember singing John Denver’s “Almost heaven West Virginia” with members of my church youth group. We were on top of a roof repairing it for an Appalachian women on a church mission to West Virginia. I remember we thought it was so funny to be on a roof in West Virginia putting hot tar on the roof on a hot summer day singing that song.
Do you have song memories?
The piece is going to be about songs and the memories that they evoke. The entire piece is revolving around the upcoming release of Song Journals – http://songjournals.com , which is dedicated people sharring their song memories. Do you have memories that come to you when you hear certain songs?
I am very interested in the concept of song journals. My journals from teenage years up untill till about five years ago were filled with the titles of songs. I would write in not just the titles but because I wanted to be a lyricist often the song lyrics. As an expert on nonverbal communication I am fascinated with the connection in the limbic brain of music to emotion and memory.
As a kid in sixties, I remember sitting in the way way back of the station wagon singing along with my two sisters t “See you in September” as my family drove to Florida one summer.
In the seventies I remember sitting together with my three best girlfriends in the front seat of a old 56 seven Chevy car dancing to “I shot the sheriff. “ on the way to a high school football game. In fact I was with my high school best friend Rose yesterday and we shared that mutual memory.
Also in the seventies I remember listening one Sunday afternoon to Casey Casem’s top 40 on the whole house stereo. I was dancing around my house pool to the rock hit “Smoke on the Water.” In junior high, I remember standing up against the wall at big school dance feeling so lonely and humiliated because no one asked me to dance to “Color my World.” For four years whenever I heard that song I longed to dance to it and finally I was able to in my senior year of high school and I now have a fantastic memory of dancing to it with my high school crush, a college boy, at a church dance!
I also remember singing John Denver’s “Almost heaven West Virginia” with members of my church youth group. We were on top of a roof repairing it for an Appalachian women on a church mission to West Virginia. I remember we thought it was so funny to be on a roof in West Virginia putting hot tar on the roof on a hot summer day singing that song.
Do you have song memories?
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