Greeting
Research Recommendation is that the
I have been teaching the benefits of significant hello and
goodbye rituals for couples. Here is one researcher’s recommendation.
A few
minutes a day doing certain things differently — like saying “hello,” “goodbye”
and sharing a sweet little kiss — can change the course of your relationship
for the better. By Theo Pauline Nestor scenarios that come along with a busy
lifestyle are familiar to most of us: When your date arrives at your place
while you’re in the middle of an important phone call, you gesture for this
person to come in and finally get around to greeting each other 10 minutes
later, still feeling a bit frazzled from your conversation. Or maybe you just
spent a The parting and reunion [moments] turn out to be really important great
weekend together, but when it’s time to say goodbye, you realize that you’re
running late for an appointment — so you rush out the door in a hurry, barely
kissing your date goodbye. These rushed instances are as understandable as they
are commonplace, but they inevitably take a toll on relationships, because
these transitional moments often set the tone for both a couple’s time together
and their time spent apart. Dr. John Gottman, a leading relationship researcher
and the author of What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal,
asserts that our “rituals of connections are
crucial,” because they serve not only to re-establish the connection with our
partners, but also to protect our relationships from betrayal. “The parting and reunion
[moments] turn out to be really important,” asserts Dr. Gottman.
Attention spent on each other in transitional junctures communicates that
“you’re important to me, and when you come back at the end of the day, it’s an
event. You matter to me.” How momentary transitions can safeguard your romance
from betrayal Being
present for each other and asserting the importance of the relationship during
these transitional moments is part of how couples establish what Dr. Gottman
refers to as “attunement” — i.e., a deep level of understanding that couples
both possess and lovingly express to each other. In his book, What Makes
Love Last, Dr. Gottman asserts that this level of attunement with each other is
a way for couples to inoculate themselves against falling down the slippery
slope of negative thinking about their relationship that can ultimately lead to
betrayal. “One of the other important things we discovered about betrayal was not only about
turning away from one another, but it’s also about this negative comparison
where one partner is saying in [his/her] mind, ‘Who needs this crap? I can do
better,’” Dr. Gottman explains. “And that negative comparison gets people to
start detaching from the relationship.” Six seconds to a better
relationship The “six-second kiss” is one simple and fun activity that Dr.
Gottman advocates couples incorporate into their everyday moments of
transition. Described by him as “long enough to feel romantic,” the six-second kiss serves as a
temporary oasis within a busy day and creates a deliberate break between the
on-the-job mentality (i.e., going to or from work) and a couple’s one-on-one
time together. In fact, the six-second
kiss makes up just a fraction of what Dr. Gottman has dubbed the “magic five
hours,” which is the amount of extra time he’s found that the most
successful, happiest couples began devoting to their relationships each week
after completing his workshops together. Time spent intentionally focusing on
their partners during “reunions” and “partings” also comprise an important
component of the “magic five hours” that these couples invest into their
relationships on a weekly basis. Reunited, and it feels so good... We’ve all
heard the saying, “You never get a second chance to make a first impression.”
The same could be said for the moment when you’re reunited with your date. Those first few moments set the
tone for your time spent together — either positively or negatively. Greeting
your sweetheart with affection Those first few moments set the tone for your
time spent together.communicates this person’s importance to you while
reminding your partner of the good feelings you share when you’re in each
other’s company, and trigger reciprocal feelings of his or her own. A number of
small gestures can be combined in order to ensure that your reunion goes well:
Make sure to set aside your phone and any other distractions first, and then
give your partner your full attention as you exchange greetings. Share a
six-second kiss. Say that you’re happy to see your partner again. If you’re
used to a more casual way of saying “hello” and “goodbye,” these seemingly
simple gestures of affection might feel awkward at first, but letting your
partner know that you’re happy to see him or her creates an important, positive
transition between your time apart and the time you spend together. In a
long-term relationship, Dr. Gottman says that having a “stress-reducing
conversation” is a great way to kick off a couple’s reunion time together. “The
one thing research has discovered,” says Dr. Gottman, “is that if they take 15
minutes apiece to talk about what’s stressful about the day, and their partner
is an ally in listening — without giving advice or problem-solving — that can
be very important. You have to have a time when you really have your partner’s
ears; it’s a time when you really can connect.” How to make saying “goodbye”
even sweeter Setting a few minutes aside to properly say “goodbye” to each
other can make a dramatic difference in a couple’s thoughts about the
relationship during the time they spend apart. So before you zoom off into the
world going different directions, take a minute to communicate how much you
enjoyed your time together — and maybe touch base about when you’ll be getting
together again in the near future. If you don’t have a plan for your next date,
just establishing when you’ll be talking to each other next (“I’ll call you
tomorrow”) can help a couple maintain their feelings of connection with each
other. You should also make a point of asking what’s ahead for your sweetie so
you can provide the right kind of support later on. “One of the most important
things to do in parting is to find out what your partner’s day is going to be
like,” Dr. Gottman says. “Find out about anything that is important that’s
going to happen to your partner that day. If she’s going to have lunch with a
friend or he has a critical phone call or important meeting scheduled, know
about that and what it means to her or him.” And yes, before saying goodbye to
your partner (for now, anyway), don’t forget to savor that six-second kiss!
Theo Pauline Nestor is the author of How to Sleep Alone in King-Size Bed: A
Memoir of Starting Over and a regular contri - See more at:
http://www.match.com/magazine/article/13162/6-Seconds-To-Happy-Couplehood/#sthash.1aM9IW17.dpuf
Patti Wood, MA, Certified Speaking Professional - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com. Also check out Patti's YouTube channel at http://youtube.com/user/bodylanguageexpert.
