The
E.R.A.S.E.R. Method
How to Solve Changing the Temperature on the Thermostat arguments.
by
Patti A. Wood
The
E.R.A.S.E.R. Method
by
Patti A. Wood
Are
you upset, irritated or angry with your partner or roommate because you can’t
agree on the thermostat settings? Are you frustrated because you have the same
argument over and over again? The ERASER Method is a step-by-step process to create
a script of your message and word it in such a way as to make it easy to give
and easy to hear! You can avoid misunderstanding and lessen defensiveness in
the receiver of your message. It prepares you for positive discussion and makes
it possible to ERASE the Thermostat problem.
STEP E Be Exact:
Describe the offensive behavior on paper, then answer the ``W'' questions noted
above regarding the behavior.
Exact Express your concerns in exact terms. Don't use generalizations
like, ``Every time you...'' or ``You never think of me...'' or ``You
always...'' Also, don't guess at or express an opinion as to why they do what
they do. For example, ``You don’t care about how cold I am or you would...''
Example, “In the last three weeks you have turned down the
thermostat to less than 59 degrees all most every night before we go to bed.”
Example, “In the last week we have argued about the
thermostat five times.”
STEP R state
the result Know the result. As
yourself, ``What is the concrete result of the offending behavior
Result After you've described the behavior,
the person may still not understand why they should change their behavior. You
may need to give them a result, i.e.,
tell them what happens as a result of the behavior.
Examples:
``When you do that,
I am so cold that no matter what I wear to bed I am too cold to sleep”
``In the arguments
we both raise are voices and say things we regret later.
STEP A
Aware There are times when it's obvious from the
steam escaping from your ears that the person's behavior is upsetting to you.
Sometimes it is not so obvious, especially to the offending person. Clue them
in. Notice what emotion their behavior arouses in you and communicate it to
them.
Example:
“I know that saving money is important to you and I
know we need to keep to a budget, and I also know that when I am that cold,
that miserable and don’t sleep it affects every part of my life, my work, my
time with you and the kids, and I worry that you don’t see how miserable I am and
it makes me feel you don’t care about me.
Example:
The
arguments affect our ability to have quality time with the kids, I think you
notice how upset they get and we both agree that arguing so much is a bad
example for the kids.
Notice these statements
are worded carefully. Absent are statements like, ``You made me angry.'' By
using an ``I'' statement, you avoid arguments. No one can argue with an ``I''
statement. It's pretty difficult for someone to tell you how you do or don't feel
about something. Your feelings are your feelings. There are times when this
step is very significant.
Granted, there are partners
who only need to know what really aggravates you to be motivated to continue
the behavior!
STEP S Switch the behavior. Suggest and recommend
the behavior you would like to see occurring in place of the current offensive
behavior.
Switch Examples:
``Can we sit down
with the electric bill and our budget Saturday afternoon when we both have some
energy and come up with a compromise that works for us?
“I have looked at our
bill and our budget, here they are. What if we choose to each give up two
things from our personal expenses that add up to the 20 dollars a month increase
in the bill and set the thermostat at 68 at night for two months and see if
that works/
STEP E Evidence—establish
and agree on the behavior change.
Evidence If you're concerned that the person may
backslide into old behaviors, you can ask for an agreement as to what the change will look like. Perhaps you can set a time frame when you both will be
observing the changed behavior, or a specific number of times you would like to
see the behavior.
Examples: Lets plan on checking in on this date
with each other, I will fix your favorite that beef stew for dinner and we can
see if we both.
This example includes a reward step see below.
Reward Some people are motivated by rewards; some
are persuaded through the prospect of punishment. Think about what motivates
the person you are talking to. Would it be helpful to give them a specific reward if they erase the old behavior
and switch to a new one? What punishment could you present as a possibility if
they don't? Caution—make sure it's something you absolutely, positively will
do. If you won't carry through on this step, it's powerless. They must know you
mean business.
Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
