What body language does every happy couple need?

I wrote some body language tips for a piece in Glamour magazine today. Here they are.

· Always make a loving ritual of hello’s and goodbyes. That means coming from wherever you are in the house to greet your spouse with a kiss and or a hug hello when they come home. Go to them immediately, even if you are on the phone, cooking, or online. By immediately going towards each other to touch, your are communicating to your partner that he or she is the most important thing to you. You are saying nonverbally, "You come first." Greetings are designed to let someone who has left the tribal cave for the day know everything is safe in the home and they are welcome back in. It is wired into our primal brains that we should be on guard until we are warmly welcomed into a space. If fact, couples are more likely to argue later if there wasn’t a warm welcome home. In addition, kissing and or hugging goodbye symbolically says, "I leave you with love." With a touch goodbye you anchor to your mate. So the last memory of he has of leaving the home is that he is y surrounded by love. Touching on greeting and with goodbyes are small rituals with a big impact.

· Another recommendation is to eat at the table sitting kitty corner from one another at least once a week. Women like to sit face to face to read facial expressions and other nonverbal cues and men prefer to sit side by side so their hearts are not vulnerable. (physically and symbolically vulnerable) Sitting catty corner gives men more protection so they feel comfortable self disclosing and women enough access to their partners body language to feel at ease.

· The heart pumping love chemicals that couples produce when they are with each other reduce about two years into the relationship so if they haven't done it before, I recommend couples create a weekly adventure ritual. That mean going out and of having some kind of adventure or stimulating playing together. Whether it’s going someplace new, playing heart pumping board, or computer games, a fast paced who can make dinner fastest cooking contest in the kitchen, miniature golf with looser cleans the bathroom for a week, driving go carts, or snow skiing. Why? Because, exciting play increases the love chemicals monoamines including, dopamine, norepinephidrine, phenylethylamine (PEA) and serotonin. These chemicals basically, affect us like amphetamines, stimulants and painkillers. So they keep us feeling excited about our partner.

· I also recommend making love weekly. In the attachment sage of the relationship Oxytocin, the same chemical involved in childbirth and bonding to the infant, shows up in the blood of both men and women . Oxytocin is released during orgasm in both men and women. It has been postulated that the more sex the couple has, the more bonded they will become.
· In addition or sex and play I also recommend exercising together once a week Heart pumping hard exercising together, jogging, riding bikes, intense ball room dancing, etc. We release endorphins during and after sex. These give us that "feel good feeling" and exercise produces it too. Exercising together makes us associate feeling good with being with our partner.
Finally, I recommend a lock in once a month for 12 to 24 hours. You go into the bedroom for 24 hours, making sure to remove any electronic devises, TV, computers, IPods, cell phones. You stay in the room together without any external distractions. Your partner is it. Amazing to see what happens when there is no electronic device in between you and your sweetie.

nonverbal communication, baby and dog video

I love the Bonnie Hunt Show. So, instead of my usual academic read of some one's body language, here is a video from her show of a baby and a dog greeting each other nonverbally. If you read my blog you know I am the queen of handshakes. Who knew that dogs and babies had their own unique handshakes. It shouldn't surprise us dogs have been bred to read human body language more accurately than chimpanzees. To read more about handshakes just type it in my blog or go read the perfect handshake article on my website at www.Pattwood.net

How to Become a Body Language Expert

I got an email from Dr. Paul Ekman's office yesterday. After I stoped jumping up and down with excitement, I answered his assistant's request. Since the new TV show, "Lie To Me" based on Dr. Ekman's life has come out, his office is getting queries on how to become a body language expert. Here is my answer.

It was so kind of you to contact me. Dr. Paul Ekman is my idol. I read his research in my first nonverbal class when I was 19 years old, I quoted his research on my Master’s and Doctoral exams and I have been sharing the results of his research with my audiences since I taught my first body language class at Florida State in the 80’s.

There are many ways to become an expert in any field and I will give you different paths to take. I will start with the most arduous and then give you easier routes.

The first path is one that I chose. Get a degree. Don't freak out. The academic route is rewarding. If You want to pursue a full education I recommend you look for universities that have a program in Nonverbal Communication in a their -Communication Department, but also have a strong psychology, sociology, business communication and or anthropology departments. I was able to take courses in other colleges within my University to create my undergrad degree and I feel that truly helped me have a strong foundation in both brain research and the social interaction research on nonverbal communication.

Another path is take just take a college course on the topic. Look online at the college course catalogue. The course may be listed as nonverbal communication, but you may have to go deeper into the course description. Typically, you find courses that have a section or module on the topic under Psychology or Communication. You may also find them in the Business School or in the Anthropology Department or in the Sociology Department.

The web is full of information, but some of it is far to simplistic and some is just plain wrong. Look for the experts with degrees in the field. When you do a Google search use the word "research, as the first word in the search. Read www.SceinceDailyNews.com

You may also want to find read some of the best books on the subject. I recommend going deep and reading all of Paul Eckman's books. Also read Desmond Morris' seminal contributions to the field.

Another path or mode of learning is to become a keen observer. Watch talk shows, look closely at the behavior. I have a chart in my Success Signals book that you can use to note when certain nonverbal behaviors occur and how many times they occur. One of the key times to watch is the pause before someone speaks. There are the micro expressions that Paul Ekman discovered that occur in that fraction of a second. They are the truthful expressions. Start looking for what people say, before the words come out. Then, observe what they do with their face movement and gestures and body, just as they finish speaking. There is the least amount of control at those moments so there is so much truth in those moments.

Don't over analyze your daily interactions; it will take you out of the real moment with people. It can make you crazy, or just make other people think you are crazy. Instead, observe as an outsider. Go the mall or the airport or the bookstore or coffeehouse or the grocery store and see if you can predict people’s next actions or get gut impressions of how people respond to waitress or cashier. For that matter, do something I do. Look for the nice people. For example, look at all the cashiers at Target, observe their nonverbal cues and decide which cashier will make your interaction the best. Personally, I look for the person who appears friendly, and present rather than an autotron. For you, that may mean choosing someone who is fast. Form an impression then predict their future behavior. Test your skills.

You can also look for a mentor or coach to guide you through the process. Find someone who is skilled at reading people as well as a good teacher.

Personally, I earned two degrees in communication with a specialization in Nonverbal Communication and did an additional four years of Doctoral coursework in nonverbal communication and taught Nonverbal Communication at the University level for many years. I have also been doing research on the topic since the early 80’s. My favorite areas of research are first impressions, handshakes and greeting behavior, rapport building, gender differences, deception detection and touch.

I studied with Dr. Larry Barker for my Masters to specialize in nonverbal communication and I did Doctoral coursework in Nonverbal Communication in the same manner as my undergraduate degree, by seeking courses in other departments related to the field.

If someone wants a different kind of education please let them know I am taking on students for one on one coaching. I also take on student interns to work with me in my business.
Please let Dr. Ekman know I enjoy the television show and marvel at the accuracy of the nonverbal information. It is wonderful to have this show on the air for those of us who teach and have a passion for the field of nonverbal communication. If there is anything else you would like to know please feel free to call me.

The real origin of the handshake

Why do we shake hands with people? Well today on MSM front page ever day mysteries wrote today that the origin of the handshake ,"...lies in medieval history. By offering a right hand to a stranger, a hand that could otherwise be used to draw a sword, men were overtly displaying their intentions of peace toward one another. " But that is not accurate.The real origin of the handshake started not in medieval times but in Roman times. Romans clasped arms to show I hold not weapon. It was the medieval nights who made the shift from arm clasping to hand clasping and later to the shaking, but the shaking part of the handshake originated because of a trick of some medieval nights of hiding weapons up in their sleeve. So when Knights went to grab hands they started shaking the other guys hands so if there where any hidden weapons hidden in the sleeves of their potential opponent they would fall out during the "shake down.
At that point handshakes became weapons checks.

Nowadays, from signing a treaty to settling a bet with friends, "shaking on it" remains a symbolic sign of agreement.
For more about the handshake check out my book on my website. www.pattiwood.net

Lie to Me

In preparing for my deception detection class tonight I thought I would watch a few minutes of the new television show called, "Lie to Me." The program is based on the research of Paul Ekman the leading authority on facial expression research. I have read all of his books and have been quoting his research since I began teaching body language at Florida State in the 80's. Durring the few minutes I watched the information on the facial expression that comes before someone is about to attack was accurate. I will be writing more about the show.