I just got a media request to discuss the traits and tactics
used by narcissists to control people. The journalist was inspired by the following
article to seek more information on tactics used to manipulate their
targets. I speak on body language and how to deal with difficult and toxic people. A
http://www.urbo.com/content/tactics-used-by-narcissists-to-silence-you
As a body language expert who speaks and writes on narcissism and other dark
triad behaviors. I sent the media contact am a body language expert and I can
speak the nonverbal behaviors a Narcissist, may use in one or more of the
stages of their abusive relationship with the target. The stages are according
to the research, Idolize, Devalue Discard.
They use their target as a source of narcissistic supply.
That supply may be gained from the love and adoration of their target and or
the pain and anguish of their target or the narcissistic rush from duping their
target. It’s important to clarify the
need for supply as during the idealization phase many of their nonverbal
behaviors seem like those of the ideal/dream lover.
1. Hypnotic
gaze/starring. They look at their target with focused intense gaze. They are
reading their target’s every emotion to know how to act. Hypnotic gaze typically
is done to test boundaries. They may do or say something uncomfortable right
before or after the hypnotic gaze to test how the target responds. It may feel
to the target like love or seduction. The target needs to check in to their
feelings and body. If the gaze makes them feel off, or it seems too interest,
too exciting or dangerous, they need to break away from it and or get up and
move or leave the room and monitor their gazing partners response.
2. Simple
Gazing, We typically think of Narcissist needing attention, but in the
Idolizing stage they gaze with adoration, and desire “at” their target. They
gaze and gaze till the target gazes back at them. They create a feedback loop
to get the constant gaze and attention they desire. It’s tricky for any target
to see this as something manipulative, as you naturally want to gaze as someone
you desire, like or love. A “tell” that it could be manipulative is that it
starts immediately, often on the first date. Another “tell” is that can go on
for hours, till the target feels like they have gone on a long trip, but actually through stages of exhilaration,
to exhaustion. The target has to check in with their emotions and body to see
if the gazing feels good or not. Once the narcissist has you in their gaze game
they know they have you. Eye contact that intense can be highly addictive. That’s
where the narcissists has the power over the target. Now they can break off the
eye contact to punish their targets/victims.
3. Invading
space – Narcissists as a rule stand closer than other people. They use space invasion
to gain attention, intimidate, show power, test boundaries, and to seduce.
4. They
are masters at matching and mirroring any targets body language in the
Idolization phase. Matching and mirroring are normal behaviors for people that
like and trust each other. But this will be, like their other nonverbal
behaviors, over the top. An example will be they reach for the glass the same
moment the target reaches for theirs. The narcissists may even smile and or
comment on how high highly matched they are. Again the narcissists creates a
connection then stops doing that “wonderful” behavior in the devaluing stag.
Once the matching and mirroring stops, it may feel to the target that their
partner has changed personalities. It truth they have just stopped mimicking
their target. What the target see is the true person unmasked.
5. They
break boundaries, so they may even on the first meeting they will touch a
targets face or leg to test how they respond. On a first date they may touch
their targets in an intimate way. They may mask the intimacy in sweetness or
politeness, for example holding hands or putting their arm around the target
after they have only been together a few hours, but acting as if they are
already connected and inseparable and bound together.
6. They
may lift the target up in hug, throw them over their shoulder or carry the
target. The “lifting you off your feet” may feel thrilling to the target but it
can make also lift the target off their feet so they are not strongly grounded
and “on their own two feet.” It is also something parents do with children. It
may indicate a power play. In the seduction/idealization phase the narcissist
works to make themselves more powerful and the target less powerful.
7. Talking
over the target and or not letting the target talk. Dominating the conversation.
This “over talking” involves auditory space invasion and other para-language
factors that show they are in power. They are often quite charming and good
story tellers so it may be hypnotic to listen to them. The target needs to
watch for a lack of inclusion. Note if they are in a conversation at all. They
may just be listening to a monologue and that is not normal. A loving partner
shares time even with an introverted partner. Other “tells” are the narcissist’s
voice may get louder and stronger, even when there are only two people in the
room. The target needs to note if there are abrupt changes in the emotions of
the voices say from seductive, to angry if the target does not give their partner
their full rapt attention.
8. In
the “Gas lighting” game they will tell the target they did or didn’t do
something or something did or didn’t happen and then look at the target as if
they are crazy. “You bought a new dress to go out Friday night?” “I didn’t say
we would go out this Friday.” “I already have plans.” “You are messed up.” Then
look at the target with pity.
This is brutal manipulation as previously they gazed
with love and admiration at them for hours and hours.
9. Sometimes
what makes it hard to feel strong or fight back is shear amount of time that
they spend talking. It can wear their “target/partner/victim down. It seems
never ending. Narcissists are spinners of tales and once they get on a role
about anything it can be impossible to stop them. Targets who may experience
this can be punished further for trying to stop them.
In the devalue and or discard stage manipulative
behaviors begin to increase. Again, the three stages are idolize, devalue
and discard.
10. They
also you the nonverbal method of the silent treatment. That could be in
response their target asking them a question they don’t want to answer of
making a request or to punish any behaviors they see as unacceptable. They can
also enhance the silent treatment by disappearing for hours, days or weeks
unexpectedly. That is particularly brutal tool to use after the trauma bond has
been formed with their target.
11. In
the devalue discard phases the narcissists may show their “Dead Eyes,” cold and
malevolent and scary.
Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
