Body Language When You're Holding Hands by Body Language Expert Patti Wood

Your body language when you’re holding hands with your partner can provide all kinds of clues about the dynamics of your relationship and your romantic connection, says Patti Wood, body language expert and author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language, and Charisma. "It’s one of my favorite couple behaviors to interpret because it shows not only the connection and confidence in the connection between the members of the couple, but also, potentially, the power dynamics and passion and tenderness," says Wood about hand-holding.

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Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Pitt and Aniston's Body Language at the SAG Awards by Body Language Expert Patti Wood

These two have major chemistry!

Body language expert Patti Wood says we're not wrong to jump to that conclusion. According to the author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language, and Charisma, Pitt and Aniston are making a "deep connection" in the photo. Wood points to Pitt's right hand, which clutches the statue. "His award is in his hand, but he holds it low, below his waist. What’s important to him is her," Wood says. Pitt's left hand, which grasps Aniston's right arm, bolsters that message. According to Wood, that's a grip that says, "Stay here with me."

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Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How to o Solve Changing the Temperature on the Thermostat Arguments.

The E.R.A.S.E.R. Method

How to Solve Changing the Temperature on the Thermostat arguments.

                                                                                                                                                                                             by Patti A. Wood

The E.R.A.S.E.R. Method

                                                              by Patti A. Wood

Are you upset, irritated or angry with your partner or roommate because you can’t agree on the thermostat settings? Are you frustrated because you have the same argument over and over again? The ERASER Method is a step-by-step process to create a script of your message and word it in such a way as to make it easy to give and easy to hear! You can avoid misunderstanding and lessen defensiveness in the receiver of your message. It prepares you for positive discussion and makes it possible to ERASE the Thermostat problem.

STEP E Be Exact: Describe the offensive behavior on paper, then answer the ``W'' questions noted above regarding the behavior.

Exact           Express your concerns in exact terms. Don't use generalizations like, ``Every time you...'' or ``You never think of me...'' or ``You always...'' Also, don't guess at or express an opinion as to why they do what they do. For example, ``You don’t care about how cold I am or you would...''

                     Example, “In the last three weeks you have turned down the thermostat to less than 59 degrees all most every night before we go to bed.”

                    Example, “In the last week we have argued about the thermostat five times.”

STEP R  state the result Know the result. As yourself, ``What is the concrete result of the offending behavior

Result          After you've described the behavior, the person may still not understand why they should change their behavior. You may need to give them a result, i.e., tell them what happens as a result of the behavior.

                             Examples:

                             ``When you do that, I am so cold that no matter what I wear to bed I am too cold to sleep”

                             ``In the arguments we both raise are voices and say things we regret later.

STEP A

Aware  There are times when it's obvious from the steam escaping from your ears that the person's behavior is upsetting to you. Sometimes it is not so obvious, especially to the offending person. Clue them in. Notice what emotion their behavior arouses in you and communicate it to them.

                             Example:

                          “I know that saving money is important to you and I know we need to keep to a budget, and I also know that when I am that cold, that miserable and don’t sleep it affects every part of my life, my work, my time with you and the kids, and I worry that you don’t see how miserable I am and it makes me feel you don’t care about me.

                             Example:

                            The arguments affect our ability to have quality time with the kids, I think you notice how upset they get and we both agree that arguing so much is a bad example for the kids.

                            

                      Notice these statements are worded carefully. Absent are statements like, ``You made me angry.'' By using an ``I'' statement, you avoid arguments. No one can argue with an ``I'' statement. It's pretty difficult for someone to tell you how you do or don't feel about something. Your feelings are your feelings. There are times when this step is very significant.

                             Granted, there are partners who only need to know what really aggravates you to be motivated to continue the behavior!

STEP S Switch the behavior. Suggest and recommend the behavior you would like to see occurring in place of the current offensive behavior.

Switch               Examples:

                             ``Can we sit down with the electric bill and our budget Saturday afternoon when we both have some energy and come up with a compromise that works for us?     

                          “I have looked at our bill and our budget, here they are. What if we choose to each give up two things from our personal expenses that add up to the 20 dollars a month increase in the bill and set the thermostat at 68 at night for two months and see if that works/               

STEP E Evidence—establish and agree on the behavior change.

Evidence    If you're concerned that the person may backslide into old behaviors, you can ask for an agreement as to what the change will look like. Perhaps you can set a time frame when you both will be observing the changed behavior, or a specific number of times you would like to see the behavior.

                             Examples: Lets plan on checking in on this date with each other, I will fix your favorite that beef stew for dinner and we can see if we both.

This example includes a reward step see below.

                            

Reward       Some people are motivated by rewards; some are persuaded through the prospect of punishment. Think about what motivates the person you are talking to. Would it be helpful to give them a specific reward if they erase the old behavior and switch to a new one? What punishment could you present as a possibility if they don't? Caution—make sure it's something you absolutely, positively will do. If you won't carry through on this step, it's powerless. They must know you mean business.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Signs of a toxic workplace, Narcissism in the Workplace. How do Narcissists effect corporate culture and their employees. Patti Wood Body Language Expert

Here are my rough notes from a media interview on Signs of a toxic workplace

Confusion, miscommunication, silence stressed and defeated body language, people talking behind others backs, rumors, cliques and us against them mentality.

Toxicity creates Confusion, not knowing what truth or fiction is, real or imagined can destabilize you a make employees more susceptible to future deceit and abuse.  Toxic cultures/leaders love to confuse you with mixed messages. It destabilizes you and makes you a great target for their abuse. People don’t know who or what to believe they are in a state of cognitive dissonance. 

For example, an abuser showers someone with compliments at work, gives them great projects and or jobs with perks and alternates that with yelling and criticism, threats of firing, or other behaviors such as cutting them out of email or project. Then returns with good behaviors such as statements like,  “But you’re a great guy and I would never fire you.”

The culture itself may alternate bad with the good. They may heap them with praise and special attention that makes them feel special or create a culture of high rewards, money, great perks, prestige, health insurance then switch with no rhyme or reason to coldness, abuse, overworking and unreasonable expectations and or attacks or threat to withdraw job perks or job altogether later.

That mixture is dangerous. The employee doesn’t know what is real or true.  I know people that worked for and or with Harvey Weinstein for example who is highly charismatic and he was known in this work culture to give his full charismatic focus and attention that made people feel special, praise give perks and promise amazing success to his employees and his business associates but yell and scream and abuse and threated to fire a get rid of people.

This is dangerous in the workplace because the employee may let the abuse escalate hoping for the “goodies” and to feel good and safe and be stressed out by the abuse and therefore weakened to disagree defend or stop the abuse. And they may spend an inordinate amount of time trying to please and or keep the toxic person for getting upset or to try to keep the toxic business rolling along, without rocking the boat just to keep their jobs. It is just like an abused wife staying with her abuser. They are hanging on, but not functioning in a healthy way that is good for them or others.

There are also  “Sunk Cost” factors and what they have already invested and cannot be recovered in their job creates an aversion to losing more by changing the toxic environment in any way. They may do the least work with the least effort, but they will stay. So again, you have fearful unmotivated employees. 

If a business culture is toxic people don’t feel safe, to tell the truth, there is too much risk. They can’t say what is wrong and often because of the stress they don’t have the energy or confidence to do so.  

In group narcissism, we see an unquestioning loyalty and admiration for the group and an intense fervor in the persecution of any person who questions the authority of the overarching ideals of the group. It's us against everyone else who we view as other and less than. Cliques form, creating outsiders who feel left out and abandoned and powerless. 

The group will do anything to ignore any bad behavior of their fellow narcissists, give him a pass and then another pass, normalize unhealthy behaviors bullying, abusive and dangerous behavior. They will defend one of their own kind, for fear of losing the group. They will even attack any innocent person or persons who threaten the group status quo. The group is their breath, their life, their sustenance, their "supply." In the presence of other narcissists, who reflect back “like” behaviors they don't see their dark selves. In the group, they are whole and belong. They may see damage in others, yet it only serves to make them feel superior. And in fact, their very acceptance of the dark damage in their fellow tribe members may make them think they are good people! They don’t consider the fact that in a healthy group dark damage behavior is called out as unacceptable. 

Fromm explains, “[an] individual narcissist, who is out on his own, comparing himself to normal people may see he lacks a moral core unless he is mentally very sick, he may have at least some doubts about his image. But, if he joins a group that has other narcissists, he has none, since his narcissism is shared by the majority” (ibid., p.204). They feed each other giving each other narcissistic supply

For your information

Definition of Essentially, cognitive dissonance occurs when humans experience a state of holding two or more contradictory thoughts or beliefs in their cognition at one time. The result is a state of anxious confusion and a desire to reduce the resultant overwhelm and unbalanced perception.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How to look and feel more attractive Even On Bad Days When Your Feeling Down

How to look and feel more attractive

Be "UP!
Create Attractiveness energy confidence and by moving and holding your body “UP!” If you follow me you know that I created the label UP!  to describe all upward posture and movements and facial expressions such as head held up, gestures with up motions. When we are happy our body naturally moves up and holds itself up.

When you hold or move your body the way you would like to feel the posture actually sends a message to the brain, “Hey I am feeling hot, attractive ” As you hold your body the little pharmacy in your brain starts producing the chemicals that match that state, (in as little as a 40th of a second.) and pumps them into your body and you begin to feel up. The combination of your up posture and movement up and chemical "Up" state is felt by those around you.  They start to give you attentive nonverbal cues and that makes you feel more attractive. I call this the fake it till you make it technique. You only have to fake it for a fraction of a second before it actually affects how you feel.

Gesture

Attractions is also communicated by gestures. Our eyes are designed to go towards movement so our ancestors could find food when they hunted and prospective romantic partners and others are drawn towards the movement. Also, Research shows that charismatic leaders use gestures four times as many as others do when they talk. Charismatic speakers from Orpah and Martin Luther King from Cesar Chavez to your favorite motivational speaker punctuate almost every sentence with a strong gesture. 

Choose how YOU want to feel. 
You chose a word that expresses how you want your listener to feel, then choose a word that expresses how YOU  would like to feel in a particular situation and then get into a posture that matches it. So if your word is Beautiful or Confident you put your body in an open position, arms away from your body, legs uncrossed, shoulder back, heart forward, extending eye-contact for as long as three seconds, and make your voice go down at the end of sentences. I shared this tip with one of my coaching clients and had him act out his word for a job interview.  He chose the word Excitement. He smiled and laughed as he finished doing it. He said that he didn't feel excited at the moment before he started moving his body, he felt afraid. But he said,:"... when I did it was weird" "I brought my shoulders back and smiled and put some energy in my voice. I really did get excited" "It felt like I had just had a big cup of Starbucks."

Lower your voice- a low voice is perceived as more sexy and attractive. In men, it’s a sign of testosterone that makes low voiced men more attractive to women and voices in women are perceived in the emotional center of the brains in men and low and soft voices are interpreted as more attractive.

 By the way, we tend to tighten the vocal chords when we are tense and the high, sometimes screechy sound does not sound sexy so move up your body language but bring down your voice.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.