Author of SNAP: Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma
1. Be
open: You have the rare opportunity for a fresh start at your impression.
Smile as you walk across campus, walk down your dorm or class hallway or enter
any room. Take the initiative to make eye contact, say hello, and introduce
yourself. Keep your body language open.
2.
Keep your body language “up”: Up body
language means walking, standing, and sitting with your upper body relaxed
upward. Instead of hunching over, keep your shoulders back, and your head up (not
bent over your electronic device), and open your hands and move them upward
when you gesture.
3.
Gesture: Moving your hands occasionally while you speak actually helps you
think and speak more clearly. The location of your hands also affects other
nonverbal behavior. When you are conversing with someone standing up, if you
place your hands and arms at your sides your energy goes down, your voice
lowers and can become more monotone, and you show fewer facial expressions. If you’re
nervous, bring your hands to the level of your waist, and you will become calm
and centered. If you gesture occasionally with your hands at the level of your
upper chest or above, your voice automatically goes up, increases in volume,
and has more variations; you actually become animated.
4. Start
new habits: If you always texted your friends in high school to see what
they were doing, now you can initiate face-to-face interactions. Knock on a
dorm room door or catch people at the student union and invite them to do
something with you. You be the one who says, “Hey you want to go get a coffee
after class, hang together to study tonight, or meet at the cafeteria to eat?”
If you used to study in your room with the door closed try studying in the
college library or outside. Don’t bring your old screen habits with you to
college or spend hours watching Hulu or Netflix when you get to campus. People
make lifelong friends in their first week of college. Put yourself out there to
meet as many people as possible as soon as you step on campus.
5. Know a rebuff is seldom about you: If not every single person says hi back or takes you up on your offers for plans remember college is stressful. Most freshmen feel a bit insecure at times and, if they seem distant, don't take it personally. Most body language rebuffs such as lack of eye contact and scowls are motivated by what is going on inside the person and not really about you.
6. Be
helpful and considerate: Having roommates and being in a new living
situation can be stressful at first, even if you click as friends. Before
settling into your new space, offer to help your roommates carry in their
belongings or bring snacks to share. Ask them about their interests. Introduce
yourself to their families. Invite them to dinner with your family if they’ve arrived
by themselves. Laying the groundwork for a positive relationship with your
roommates can go a long way to help things go smoothly.
7. Help
people form a positive impression of you in class: Your professor and your
fellow students will respond to you and perhaps judge you by how you act in
your classes. If you're late all the time or if you don't go to class, they
notice. They also notice if you come prepared for class, slink to the back to
sit, pay attention, ask thoughtful questions, doze off, or spend the class
texting. In high school slack behavior might have been cool; in college, it will
get you ostracized. Each class has a different set of “rules of engagement,” so
be aware of the size, structure, and instructor’s preferences for behavior. It
is easier to set a positive impression at the beginning of the semester than
try to erase a bad one.
8. Learn your classmates’ names and use the
formal title to address your professor: For example, “Dr. MacEnulty” or
“Professor Camel.” People respond to their names, so learn them! It’s a skill
that will serve you well in most settings.
9. Be aware of your last, or existing,
impression: Last impressions are
critical. Research in Persuasion Theory shows that people not only remember
their FIRST Impression of you but also their last, or lingering impression of
you. Don’t just every abruptly turn away and leave a face to face conversation.
You can say, Forgive me I need to get to class it was great catching up with
you.” “I enjoyed talking to you
about______ forgive me I need to go now.”(This is a great option because it
also lets the other person or people know you were listening. There are other things to say as well. Right
now write down or put in your phone three conversation exit statements that you
would feel comfortable using. Also, notice what other people say as they leave a
conversation in a way that makes you feel good. Of course, if the conversation
seems to be winding down you can say goodbye. I know it might seem easier to
just walk away or leave, but it feels better for everyone if you smile and say
something to create closure and show the other person or people you respect
them. Sometimes it pays to stick around
and/or make yourself visible. Stay after class occasionally to speak to the
professor or other students who are lingering to talk about the lecture. Also, attend
your instructor’s office hours to ask questions and initiate discussions around
the class topic.
10. Mix
it up when choosing who to talk to: Whether you’re at college in your home
country or an international student beginning school in a brand new one, make
friends with people from other countries, cultures, and backgrounds. International
students who came from another country to attend college will especially
appreciate your friendliness and that you include them in activities. Ask others
about their home countries and try out their favorite foods.
11. Volunteer, go to activities, and be a joiner: If there is a movie night on campus, a student union game night, or dorm room function, go! The first week of my freshman year I joined the fencing club, went to a freshman dance though I had been the girl no one ever asked to dance, went to the dorm watermelon eating contest, and volunteered to referee the impromptu volleyball game on the campus green. I met great new friends with each activity. In fact, I met my best friend in college in a hallway popcorn party in the dorm and my first college Boyfriend playing volleyball the first week of class.
12. Go early rather than late: Research shows that arriving early actually reduces your nervousness in new situations. It’s easier to get acclimated. You can stand or sit near the door when you arrive and greet people as they come in. More anxiety-reducing tips are in the book.
13. Ask to help: At parties, you can ask for an anxiety-distracting task like
taking coats from new arrivals or offering them drinks or food. Nervousness
comes out of your body in many ways. One way is through your hands. When your
hands are confidently occupied with useful tasks, that confidence message goes
to your brain and affects your entire body. It also gives you an easy,
repeatable script, questions such as “Would you like me to take your coat?” or
“What can I get you to drink?” These types of questions open up the conversation.
14. Look
for an “open” person: Search for people who are already speaking in a small
cluster or someone who is standing or sitting with their feet apart a few
inches, rather than crossed, pressed together, or in a “cowboy” defensive
stance (for guys that is fourteen inches apart). Research shows that someone
who is gesturing with open palms and smiling and occasionally moving their
head is more open to approach. If you are super shy, look for someone who
looks happy and confident and does what they are doing.
15. Trust your radar: Steer clear of people
who are negative or give off bad vibes. Look for people who have the top two
first impression factors from my book SNAP Making the Most of First
Impressions Body Language and Charisma. That usually means people who are warm,
likable, and make you feel comfortable.
16. Go first and initiate conversation: I know, I know, you’re thinking, “Patti, you
are insane. I hate to talk to people and you want me to initiate? I’d rather
stick a fork in my eye.” Put down the fork. Research shows that when you
initiate and move forward toward them to greet them, you appear more confident, and other people immediately feel more at ease. In addition, when they feel at
ease, the comfort transfers back to you. A quick tip for when you feel anxious:
take one small step forward; motion tricks your limbic brain into feeling more
confident and that replaces the “Freeze or Flight” response that may keep you
from meeting people.
17. Introduce
yourself: You can break through any awkward silence that occurs when strangers meet by simply
sharing your name as in, “Hello my name is Patti Wood.” Giving your name
to someone is a form of self-disclosure that shows you’re willing to be open
and be vulnerable. It gives the impression that you are nice. Purse snatchers
don’t typically say, “Hey, my name is Max Brewer and I’ll be taking your wallet
today.” Breaking through the silence by sharing your name may be a pretty basic
suggestion, but it works. We are sometimes afraid to break the silence because
we fear we will be met with silence or rejection. If you don’t get an immediate
response after sharing your name with someone, ask, “And your name is..?”
18. Introduce people to each other: This gives you something practical to do. Making introductions is appreciated by others, and it takes the pressure off you. As you stand and move to bring people together, you are creating a visual connection between yourself and other people in the room that makes you look powerful and popular. They see you move toward people and act as a connection, and they think, “Boy, she [or he] knows everyone.”
19. Ask a question, then simply relax and
listen: So much anxiety
comes from not knowing what to do or how to do it well. One of the smartest
things you can do to meet people is to make a positive statement like “Great T-shirt”
or ask a gentle question such as “Did you see the concert on the student
green last night?” or, “What did you think about class today?” This completely
takes the talking pressure off you. You don’t have to be super funny or super
hip to be a good listener. It’s amazing how cool people will think you are
because everybody loves someone who really listens to them. More conversation-starting
questions are in my book.
20. Nod your head: I love teaching men this simple body
language cue. Men generally only nod their heads when they agree, while women
nod to show they are listening. So guys, if you’re interested, nod as you
listen. Women love it and nodding your head actually releases “feel good”
chemicals into your bloodstream.
