By Patti Wood Body Language
and Relationship Expert from her book and speech "The Conflict Cure."
Establish Commonality
When warring nations are negotiating for peace one of the steps
they may take is to see what they have in common so they can begin to see each
other as not just the enemy. It’s easy for a boss to bully someone they don’t
have a personal relationship with. They can just be “The Boss.” It's also more likely
if they don’t think you know are care about the beyond your business
relationship that they can stay in bully-boss mode. You can take a first step towards
becoming more connected by finding mutual interests. In addition, If you can see
them as a fully three-dimensional person you are less likely to see them as a bullying
boss and communicate with them with less fear and animosity.
For example ask them about their hobbies, vacation spots, favorite
shows, and music. If you can find commonality your boss can see that you are
more like them and less like just an “employee.”
Say to yourself, “he thinks the summer project is a priority
and so do I.” State your commonalities out loud to your boss and seek them out
loud. For example, “What are our common
goals for this project?” What do we both see as the quota for this shift?”
“What do we both want to see happen with this client/customer?” “What result do
we both want from this meeting today?”
Repeat their
criticism and attacks in a neutral voice
Repeat what the criticizer
has just said. Repeating back the information gives both of you a better
understanding of what was said, For example, you can say “Let me make sure I
understand…” When I was working on a project with a rather bossy “always right”
boss they yelled out one day “If you would do exactly what I told you to do
exactly the way I told you to do it we wouldn’t have any problems.” I calmly
repeated his statement. Guess what? He had been so angry when he said it he hadn’t even realized how horrible he
sounded. When he heard me say it, he hung his head and said,
“Oh, I’m sorry that sounded pretty bad.” You’ll find that repeating back helps you calm down to hear their message and be able to say it back to them calmly and helps them hear how it may have sounded to you.
Request clearly and specifically how you wish to be treated
With clear and specific examples point out their behavior, how you feel, and the costs, and then give a specific request about how you wish to be treated. For example, “For the last three weeks when you have made requests for me to do something, like get a project done by Friday, you have raised your voice and yelled at me and left and not let me discuss the task with you. I feel disrespected. In the future when you want something from me, I would like you to sit down and have a conversation, at a conversational volume, and seek my input and response. And if you can make that change, I will feel more valued and can do a better job for you and the company.”
“In the past we have not communicated in a way that I feel valued and
respected, so going forward I am going to ask that you take the time to listen
to me and my viewpoints and know that if I don’t feel heard I will tell you
immediately and request that you listen to my needs and insights.”
