How To Deal With a Critical Perfectionist Boss or Family Member

My sister and brother-in-law were coming to visit, and I was tense. I have known my brother-in-law since I was four years old. He was a full bird colonel in the Airforce and an Endodontist. He is a fix-it guy with a garage workbench of the Gods. He is intelligent, disciplined, and a supercritical perfectionist. He points out every problem he sees. I knew he would see every home repair mistake in my home. To stave off the criticism, I spent weeks getting the house ready. I cleaned, painted trim, magic sponged every light switch and door, hired a repair man to come to fix big projects, and my lawn guy to do an over-the-top trim and spruce up and power washing job.  I was so proud of my house. 

Of course, when he walked into my house, he peeked in every room, looking for something to criticize. He didn't see anything and seemed agitated as we sat at the counter and suggested we go out on the deck instead to have our drinks inside. Sitting outside he looked around but, didn't see anything. 

Then he got out of his chair and walked about an acre up the steep hill to the top of the backyard. Then he looked back at my house, and gleefully said, "You have a branch in the room of your garage, and you need to take care of that." My friends, the branch was a twig about a foot long. That twig made him very happy. Well, pointing out my mistake of leaving a twig on my roof made him very happy. I burst into laughter and told him what I had done to prepare for his visit. 

Sometimes knowing someone's personality, what drives them what bothers them most, and having a sense of humor about it is the first step to improving your relationship. 

Get-it-right personalities see every mistake and feel a strong and immediate need to fix them. A mistake "unfixed" can feel physically and emotionally painful to them. It stresses them out. Since mistakes stress them out they think that pointing yours out to you is helping you! "Hey!" "Here is a mistake you missed so you can fix it and remove the stress"  They can actually get a thrill, a chemical high from fixing and pointing out mistakes. Knowing what stresses out your boss and what makes them happy can help you. It's not that they think badly of you. It's just they HAVE to point out mistakes. 

You need to understand what they like and need. Perfectionists tend to be smart, careful, and accurate.  When they see the work you have done, they will correct you. If you think you have completed a task and even moved on to something else they may email you days or weeks later with corrections, problems, mistakes that you made, and why it won't work.

Perfectionists are cautious because they want to ensure it is done the right way and produces the perfect result. 

To make sure they are receptive, set up a time to talk. Don't interrupt them when they are working.  They like their solitude and prefer to know you will be coming to speak to them rather than having you drop by. When you talk to a perfectionist, make your body language appropriate and reserved and your voice slow and at a low volume.  Allow long silent pauses for them to think before they speak.

People want to be heard and understood and sometimes they won't listen to your needs because they are busy trying to make themselves heard. When you begin the conversation state you understand their top need. For a get-it-right perfectionist, you can say, "I know it's important to get things right and not have mistakes, and that is important to me too." 

Then say what you need. Set boundaries up front so your task/project won't be weighed down with back-and-forth conversations and emails with what non-analytical people would consider minutia. "I want to make sure we get this task done right so let's talk right now about what good right and perfect would look like and agree on it." 

And/or you can present the project in steps. For example, "I will give you an outline by this date for your review, a rough draft by this date, and then I will go forward without changes to deliver it to the client by this date.

If you have recently been criticized by a perfectionist and it is undermining a current task/project/sale you can use the ERASER method to have a courageous conversation with them to let them know how their criticisms are affecting you 

If I was upset about my brother in laws criticism of my house I could say.  "I know that having things perfect and my house taken care of is important to you and it is important to me too." "Today when you searched my house and yard for something to point out, I felt criticized in a way that made me feel bad." "While you are visiting can you also look for things you like and find admirable about my house so that I know you care for respecting me?" For more details on how to have that kind of conversation see my article on my method.   https://bodylanguagelady.blogspot.com/search?q=ERASER+ 

I admire and respect my brother-in-law and I have learned how to make us BOTH happy when we interact. I wish you greater understanding and happiness in dealing with your perfectionist relationships. 

 

 

 

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

The Silent Signals of Lateness

The Silent Signals of Lateness

by Patti Wood MA

Do you find yourself running late? Is there someone in your life that you find yourself waiting for? I was sure I had time to do a few more things, make a few more calls, catch up on the news, and plenty of time to pack my suitcase and get to the airport. The flight wasn’t leaving for 4 hours. So, I had another bowl of cereal, read the headlines, before I suddenly realized I was running late. I threw my stuff in my bag, ran down the stairs, and jumped into the car. Charged with adrenaline I sped to the airport. Searching madly for a parking space, ran to the gate arriving breathless as they made the last call. I had made it again. I smiled with satisfaction and slowly walked on the plane. Yes, in the old days I always arrived on time, my I was a last minute “rusher.” The way you use time communicates. The way you use time, arriving rushed or late communicated. The term “chronemics” refers to the use of time management as a form of nonverbal communication and if you have ever had to wait for someone who was running late, you know that you had some strong feelings about what their tardiness was saying to you!

Are you ever late? Does lateness feed you? Do you constantly have people waiting on you? Do you know people who drive you crazy because they are always late? Have you ever admonished someone for always being late? Has someone called you on it?

Many years ago, after this rushed trip, I sat in my airplane seat sipping my ginger ale and asked myself why I was always rushing to planes. I am a stickler for time, arriving so early for dinner meetings and speeches that people comment on it, but I was with time in the rest of my life, I always seemed to rush to catch my flights. I knew that we do things because they reward us in some way, and I asked myself what I got from running late. Almost immediately I realized the reward: a rush, a race car driver’s high. I ran late to feed my excitement-loving soul. The funny thing is that I am a professional speaker. You would think I would get enough adrenaline standing up on stages in front of huge audiences. But apparently, I didn't. So instead of spending the flight, watching movies, I could do to satisfy that need for a “rush” without running late to the airport. I ended among other things, with taking an incredibly fun comedy improv class and now go see live music at least once a week! The rush replacements worked. These days even my airport limo driver Lewis thinks I leave too early to get to the airport. But I like being on time too much to regard his teasing. Lateness doesn't feed my soul anymore.

Here are other ways that lateness communicates. Look at the list for the likely match or combination of matches to your issue.

1. THE RUSHER

Lateness feeds the adrenaline junkie. If you love thrills and excitement, and there are not enough in your life, you may use running late as a way of getting your excitement fix. Instead of speeding like a maniac to be on time, give yourself other opportunities to feed your fire. Perhaps tango lessons, skydiving, hockey or regular live concert tickets or taking up Judo, or boxing. If your lateness is affecting your ability to do something well, ask yourself why you feel the need to give yourself an excuse, being late, to not do a good job? If you are breaking your promise to others to arrive at an agreed upon time some self-reflection is critical.

2. THE TIME-CHALLENGED

Face it, some people are clueless about time. They just don’t understand that an hour has sixty minutes. They say they will be there in 15 minutes and they arrive 45 minutes later, truly unaware that they are late. This personality might be called the absent-minded professor. They also can’t seem to understand how long an activity truly takes. For example, they think they can wait to leave the office for a meeting ten miles across town five minutes before the meeting. They don’ t factor in how long it will take them to get to their meeting, materials packed up, how long it will take them to get to the car, the traffic on the way and how long it may take to find a place to park. They also don’ t allow for the unexpected delays such as an accident on the road. Because they have an unrealistic sense of time, they tend to fall privy to the "one more thing" phenomenon. That is why they try to do one more thing before they leave. They check their e-mail one more time before they go down the hall for the meeting. They make one more call before they leave the house for the appointment. Because their sense of time is unrealistic, they think they can stretch it and bend it like silly putty.

I have a friend with a master’s degree in statistics. He calculates statistical formulas for credit ratings. He is a very bright man. He is always late. Talking to him about it didn’t change his behavior. Because he is almost always exactly an hour late, when I need to meet with him at 6:00 I tell him 5:00. He shows up at 6:00. We can still be friends. The good news is that if these people are clued in about their issue and they want to change, they can. The time-challenged just need to realistically examine their schedule and ask themselves how long their activities truly take. If they are an employee, or friend you can help them by talking it through, for example saying, “The drive may take 20 minutes, but finding a space in the parking garage is a bear so give an extra 15 minutes for that, so a 35 minute travel time would be reasonable.” Or, “The official start time of the meeting/event, is 8:00 but, the conversation and networking before that are critical so a 7:30 arrival is more accurate and that may mean you need to be a hour and half earlier than you might think.” or, “You know one of the tactics I use to make sure I get someplace on time is set my phone to alarm at the time I absolutely need to leave my desk to get there.”

3. CONTROL

Lateness is a form of control. If you are consistently late to dinner or appointments because you spent a few extra minutes getting ready or you didn’t give enough leeway for traffic, you may be saying to the person who is waiting: “I am more important than you. You must wait for me." By making others wait you have power over them even if it’s only the power to make them tap their fingers on the desk, make them order another drink or hold up dinner till you get there. It is passive aggressiveness in its finest form, the invisible attack.

If you are the wait time controller, people can get mad at you but hey, in your mind it just makes them look impatient or unreasonably demanding. After all, how are you supposed to control the external world? You can always have an excuse – you got a last-minute email, the phone rang, someone came into my office with a problem or you couldn't find your keys. You have power over everyone who waits for you. In fact, you may avoid being on time because it would communicate that you are kowtowing to others.

This form of time use is typically used by people who don't have power or want to manipulate you under the table. They are not officially your boss, but they are the boss of your waiting time. They might be uncomfortable doing anything directly to gain power, to ask for what they want, to demand attention. By using a silent command, they get the rush of control without the risk of counterattack. Children are the true masters. They can’t find their homework or their right shoe, they need a drink of water, they have trouble with their buttons, anything to postpone bedtime or school.

4. LOW SELF ESTEEM

When lateness doesn't matter because you don’t matter, then perhaps your lateness communicates your low self-esteem or your lack of confidence. If you think, no one will notice anyway, you are discounting your value as a human being. And why would you worry about others if you don’t have any concern for yourself. It doesn't matter if you’re rude or inconsiderate, if you just plain don't matter. A lack of respect for yourself inhibits your ability to respect others.

My friend Ginger had a college chum and friend of many years Angie who was always late. After Ginger sat alone waiting in one too many restaurants, she shared with me that she was going to email Angie that she didn’t want to be friends anymore. I knew from Ginger's conversations that Angie was very unhappy about her weight, discouraged that no one asked her out, and because she couldn’t find a job in her field, she was working for her dad. I suspected she wasn’t feeling very good about herself. I suggested to Ginger she try to meet with her friend face-to-face to tell her how her lateness made her feel. They arranged to meet at a restaurant where there was entertainment. Ginger arrived at the bar to watch the band. No friend. She got up to call her. Returned, still no friend, but a very cute blond guy was in her seat. She struck up a conversation with the cute man. Moved in with him three days later. A year passed and she married him. Angie missed the wedding. She walked into the church an hour late.

5. SOS! NOTICE ME

Sometimes, something or many things in life are going wrong, and it is just too horrible to say out loud. So, you communicate with your tardiness. Your lateness says: Isn't it horrible that I'm late? Please ask me why, so I can tell you the horrible thing I am dealing with. I knew someone who had been attacked in her home. She was living far away from her family for the first time and had no close friends. There was no one to share her pain with.

She told us with her time use. She became habitually late. She kept everyone in our office waiting wondering whether she was all right. It was a powerful SOS repeated over and over from a life that was sinking fast. It was only when the boss sat her down and reprimanded her that the story of her traumatic ordeal came tumbling out. The boss listened to her and recommended among other things that she share her burden with a few of us. We supported her and soon she didn’t need her silent cry of lateness to communicate.

6. THE BIG EGO

Related to the need for control is the BIG EGO. The difference is that silent controllers have no assigned power and big egos do. They feel they have the right to be late—that it comes as part of their royalty package. The big ego says with his time use, I am so important that you the little peon who is waiting must sit patiently for me to arrive. As if they should be greeted with a standing ovation and Hail Caesars. You know the type: the big boss who keeps everyone waiting for the meeting to start. They come sauntering in smiling, not caring about their rudeness. In fact, they may revel in it. Or they come in ranting and complaining about the big problem they had to solve or the disaster they averted before they could honor you with their presence. Only the Pope and Superhero and Super Heroines have saving superpowers worth waiting for.

I remember sitting at a conference table full of coworkers, waiting for the president of the company to arrive. This happened every meeting and ended with the same ritual. He would walk through the conference room door, go over and get his doughnuts asking the female nearest him to get him coffee all the while greeting a selective few people at the table and asked them the same odd greeting. "Hey, how are you feeling?" If he had asked me that question, I would have been tempted to reply. "Miffed and insulted by your lack of consideration." But he never listened to anyone’s answer and he never asked me.

7. HIDDEN ANGER or Other Hidden Secrets

Sometimes we leave people waiting because we hate them. Okay, “hate” may be too strong a word. Let’s say, because we are secretly unhappy with them. We may be jealous, envious, resentful or just plain do not like that person. When I say this is a secret, I mean these feelings may even be a secret even from yourself. While the feeling swirls in your subconscious, you may not even be aware that you are mad or have other negative feelings.

Perhaps you would like to think you never get mad at anyone because you are just too nice a person. Perhaps the person you leave waiting has too much power over you for it to be safe to be mad at them directly. In any case, like a child who sticks out their tongue at someone when their back is turned, when you leave a friend waiting at a restaurant by themselves, standing on a street corner, sitting in a conference room, you are acting just as childish. Again, this behavior is passive aggressive. You could be assertive and say out loud, “I have a problem with you.” But it is somehow easier to show up late.

I know someone whose husband is habitually late. She sits in the living room dressed for a cocktail party or dinner with friends wondering if he has been in a car accident. Trips to pick up one thing at Home Depot so they can finish with a project become three-hour marathons of waiting while the paint hardens on the brushes. She and her children have waited for him to eat so many dinners they are now used to eating at 8:00. Her family and friends have experienced her stress and humiliation as they waited with her so now, they suggest plans that don’t include him. This has led to arguments of course, but he always has an external excuse for his lateness. In her mind the message he is sending is that his work and tasks are more important than she is. Underneath there may be a bigger message. He may be saying, "I am angry and unhappy, and I don’t know how to express it." Or I have found someone else that is more important, and I don’t know how to say it with words.”

8. PROMISE BREAKER

Know that if you have an adult in your life that is late on a reoccurring basis and their behavior doesn’t fit into the Low Self Esteem SOS or Hidden Message category and your requests to honor their promise to you to show up on time are broken again and again there is a problem. An agreement to be somewhere is a promise. Someone is giving their word they will do something and not doing it is a broken promise. They are not a person who honors their word. They are affecting your trust.

If they make excuses every time, there is a problem. An excuse is not a true apology How to Make a Proper Apology  and anyone who makes constant excuses is communicating to you they don’t have to change, that their circumstances are more important than their promise to you.

If they don’t seem deeply embarrassed and apologetic by their disrespect for your time, there is a problem and if they promise they will do better, and don’t there is a problem. As silent as time is it can scream that there is something wrong. Don’t just seethe with silence in response. Say out loud to them that they are a promise breaker. If you fear or are concerned about how they will respond, please read my articles on malignant narcissists to find out if you are dealing with someone abusive and dangerous.  How to Recognize a Dangerous Person

Lateness does not always have a Freudian or hidden message. And you may rarely be left tapping your foot or checking your watch. But remember, time communicates. If you are walking through the door apologizing and complaining about traffic or last-minute phone calls, listen to the message you are sending. If you know someone who is always late, it may be time to have an ERASER conversation with them. ERASER Method. It starts with the specifics of their lateness, “You have been at least 20 minutes late for the last three weeks I have told you it upsets me, it’s effecting my ability to respect and or trust you….”

Now you have the handbook for the silent signals of lateness.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Patti Wood MA is a Professional Speaker and a Communication and Body Language expert based in Atlanta, GA. Patti’s clients include Fortune 500 companies, government agencies and associations, and she is the author of nine books including, “SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma.”

You have permission to reprint this article if:

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Patti Wood MA is a Professional Speaker and a Communication and Body Language expert based in Atlanta, GA. Patti’s clients include Fortune 500 companies, government agencies and associations.  She has written nine books including SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma and People Savvy. 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How to Give End of the Year Feedback and Why You Should Make Sure Your Boss Knows Your Value Before That End of the Year Review.

How to Give End of the Year Feedback – Motivation and Change, or Pain and Why You Should Make Sure Your Boss Knows Your Value Before That End of the Year Review.

 A few years ago, I received a strange end-of-the-year feedback email from a long-term client that was the antithesis of everything I ever taught about how to give feedback to your clients, vendors, and employees. At first, I was excited to receive an end-of-year email from this client; I was expecting a heartfelt thank you, some praise, and a “Happy New Year!” For more than 20 years, I had been this company's highest-rated contracted speaker. I had designed and conducted hundreds of programs for their wonderful audiences and gotten rave reviews.. 

This year, however, the tone of the email was surprising. It was not written to me personally — a contracted consultant — but seemed to be addressed to an anonymous problematic part-time employee. I was shocked.

The client contact I had for many years was a friend, but she had retired. This email came from my new contact. I had tried to get to know this new contact, especially since she had never seen me give a presentation and her office was in another state, but I didn’t try hard enough. That was a big mistake on my part.

 Since she was based in another state, I tried to set up an introductory visit via the phone, but she emailed me to say that she is “not a phone person.” When I communicated via email, she would only respond in formal one-sentence replies. After my programs, she would only email me a computer-generated form with ratings and critiques from my audiences. The reviews were always excellent, and I always got 5 out of 5 from my audience members. When she sent the emails, I always emailed back a few personal comments and said thank you, expecting tht she would know about my outstanding ratings.

 So, when I got this end-of-the-year review, I was expecting it to be like the communications I used to get from my previous contact: "Thank you for all your years of rave reviews."

That is not what I got. Instead of personalized feedback, I received a form letter, one she sent to all her contract speakers nationwide. It said that she had reviewed the feedback of all their speakers from all the audiences for the year and found two top COMPLAINTS. Then, she listed them.

 However, neither of the complaints came from my classes. They were not my audiences’ responses or reviews. This negative feedback had nothing to do with me or anything I could control or change in any way. And I am sure it was publicly humiliating to the speakers she called out. In addition, there no general positive feedback, no supportive or motivational comments to any of us. And let me emphasize again, no personalized feedback saying she recognized my worth — or anyone else’s. 

 I am sure this email checked off a box on her list of corporate end-of-year to dos, but it was, at best, de-motivational. I saw this as a wake-up call about what I had done wrong in my interactions with my client. And it will forever be an example I will use in my Performance Appraisal How-to-Give-Effective-Feedback Workshops for what NOT to do. 

First, I examined what I had done wrong as a contractor/employee. I hadn't said, "I know you prefer not to use the phone, but I’d like to give you a brief five-minute call after I get my email feedback so we can go over it." I teach the importance of check-ins. I had done them for years with my previous contact. But I hadn't pushed for that, and that was my mistake. I expected my work to speak for itself, and it hadn't. My rave reviews were invisible to my new contact, and I had not made them visible, nor had I touted the value I brought to the organization. That wasn't smart. I had also not done anything to let leadership above my direct contact know that I was an asset.

If you have superiors, are you making sure they see your work and value? As a leader, do you know the best way to communicate feedback?

Here are some highlights from my feedback program:

 1)   No surprises, and most importantly, no bad feedback that you have been saving up and now feel pressured to give it out at the end of the year. Negative feedback should be given immediately after the negative behavior has occurred. Ideally, it should be given face-to-face over zoom or the phone. You can follow my E.R.A.S.E.R. Method and book me for coaching and/or a workshop on how to do this effectively. If you still feel the need to give negative feedback via email, pause and call me first. Let’s talk through the situation. No charge. Just call me!

2) Be specific, positive, and personal in your feedback. What did the recipient of your feedback do, be specific? How many times did they do it? Who did their positive behavior affect, and what was the positive, concrete result of their positive action? I lay this all out with examples in my E.R.A.S.E.R. Method. If you want to run it by me, you can email me, and I will help you because it's important to do this well.

3) End your message with an extra thank you—ideally, something from the heart. Even if you're a left-brain, just-the-facts type of person, you should do this.

The email I got years ago was a wake-up call for me.

I hope it inspires you to do two things: make sure you have a good relationship with your clients, bosses, and managers. Make sure they know how you are doing and how valuable you are.

Second, if you are a leader, do your best to have good relationships with your employees. Make sure you know what they are doing and how they are doing. Give them effective, specific praise and criticism to support and motivate them.

If you're reading this article in my newsletter, I have more than likely met you and shaken your hand, and I hope you know how valuable you are!

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What to say when your feel your partner is ignoring you. By Patti Wood Body Language Expert and Professional Speaker

What to say when your feel your partner is ignoring you.  By Patti Wood

I am an expert in nonverbal communication and suggest that you examine specific concrete behaviors to test if you are truly being ignored and request your partner change their behavior. If your feeling ignored, it works best to say something as soon as you see a pattern of behavior. Waiting The closer the conversation is to the behavior the more likely it is to change and if you wait you may end up with a long list of pent-up frustrations and your partner may be upset and or defensive because you waited. Think of specific behaviors such as their time on the phone and texting with you has changed? What’s a specific thing they do? Do they seem anxious to end phone conversations right away by rushing or sighing?

Do they not ask you questions when you share a story? Have they stopped saying anything supportive like, "that sounds great or that sounds bad?" Or have they stopped showing respectful facial expressions. Do they roll their eyes and or sigh?

I wrote a guideline so you can even write out what you want to say I call the ERASER method of changing behavior.

You begin by examining your partner's behavior. Is there a pattern to it? Look at it as a journalist would a news story. Stand away, look objectively, and ask yourself, ``What is the behavior?'' ``When does the behavior occur?'' ``Where does the behavior occur?'' and ``How often does the behavior occur?''

 

Exact           Express your concerns in exact terms. Don't use generalizations like, ``Every time you...'' or ``You never...'' or ``You always...'' Also, don't guess at or express an opinion as to why they do what they do. For example, ``If you weren't so busy with           , you would...''

 

                      Below are some examples of constructive ways to word your concerns:

 

                             ``Five time in the past three weeks, you have been at least an hour late home.''

                           “The last three weeks when I start to share something about my day, you take out your phone, look away.”

                           “The last three weeks when I have sent you a loving text you have not responded.”

                            

                      Sometimes you may ask for a response back from the person such as ``Is that accurate?''

STEP E  Be Exact: Describe the ignoring behavior on paper, then answer the ``W'' questions noted above regarding the behavior.

Result         After you've described the behavior, the partner may still not understand why they should change their behavior. You may need to give them a result, i.e., tell them what happens as a result of the behavior.

 

                             Examples:

                             ``When you say you’re going to be home at 7 and you’re an hour late, I end up waiting to eat, sometimes the dinner is ruined and sometimes, after planning shopping and cooking I eat alone.

 

STEP R  Know the result. As yourself, ``What is the concrete result of the offending behavior?''

 

Aware  There are times when it's obvious from the steam escaping from your ears that your partner behavior is upsetting to you. Sometimes it is not so obvious. Clue them in. Notice what emotion their behavior arouses in you and communicate it to them.

 

                             Examples:

                             ``When you are late, I feel anxious, worry and feel alone.”

 

                                                   Notice these statements are worded carefully. Absent are statements like, ``You made me angry.'' By using an ``I'' statement, you avoid arguments. No one can argue with an ``I'' statement. It's pretty difficult for someone to tell you how you do or don't feel about something. Your feelings are your feelings. There are times when this step is very significant.

 

                            

STEP A Create awareness. When appropriate, state how you feel in response to their behavior.

 

Switch If you've ever tried to stop a habit, you know how difficult it can be. Something that can make it easier is to replace the old, negative habit with a new, positive habit. This technique makes a return to the old habit less likely. So, why not help the offending person out by giving them a new, less offensive behavior to switch to. Suggest an alternative behavior that would work for you and for them!

 

                             Examples:

                             ``I would like to know you are coming home on dinner together at least three times a week for the next three weeks.”

 

                            

STEP S  Switch the behavior. Suggest and recommend the behavior you would like to see occurring in place of the current offensive behavior.

 

 

Evidence    If you're concerned that the person may backslide into an old behavior, or it is critical that they do something a certain way, you may wish to add an evidence step to your script. Outline what will happen or stop happening as a result of the behavior modification. Support it with an expressed agreement as to what the change will look like.

                     

                     Remember, you may want to open up some dialogue here and ask them what the evidence would look like.

 

STEP E  Evidence—establish and agree on the behavior change.

 

Reward      Think about what motivates your partner.  Would it be helpful to give them a specific reward if they erase the old behavior and switch to a new one and pay more attention to you?

STEP R  Reward good behavior.                                 

 

 

                      After you've finished your script, look it over and make sure all the necessary steps are included. Edit out any generalizations or ambiguous terms like ``good'' or ``bad.'' When you talk to them it may help to preamble your conversation by telling them you are practicing a new method of communicating and solving problems. Then, do the most important part—deliver the communication! No communication—No result. Go for it and good luck!

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Ben Roethlisberger's Body Language, Deception? Is he Lying?

I analyzed the body language of Steelers Quarter Back Ben Roethlisberger as he gave his statement to the media denying sexual assault charges on Fox Sports Radio 970 in Pittsburgh today.

Here is the story and a link to the video in case you aren’t familiar with it: http://www.allheadlinenews.com/. And here is the VIDEO of Ben reading the statement http://www.wpxi.com/video/20156562/index.html. Lets look at Ben Roethlisberger's body language before this event to get his baseline for normal. Letterman show http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=19vaoeNw72E.

When you watch Ben's body language on the David Letterman show after the Super Bowl, you see a strong alpha male. He is a hero we can admire. He was so confident. He is sitting back in the chair and with his upper and lower torsos fully relaxed. His shoulders are relaxed down rather than up around his ears like a scared turtle as you sometimes see guests on the Letterman show. His legs are splayed out with the pelvis on display. The spread is more than sixteen inches wide showing his bravado and sexual confidence. Through most of the interview his hands and arms are relaxed, resting on top of his legs. The hands are open in a gesture of relaxed self-comfort. His paralanguage (his voice) is energetic. His heart is open and up to his audience again showing fearlessness. Several times, he makes direct eye contact with David Letterman, which also shows his confidence. Many guests have trouble making eye contact with Letterman, but Ben takes the ribbing in stride, smiling throughout. His body language is relaxed and his voice reveals no tension as he admits that he did not make the touchdown. He looks honest and forthcoming. Power is communicated nonverbally by the amount of space you take up whether your body language is open or closed and whether your body is relaxed or tense in a particular interview Ben shows the three pillars of powerful body language.

Promoting his football camp http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h4zekdD-Q2o.

In this interview, promoting his football camp, Ben is smiling again. His gestures are large and sweeping away from his body, showing his confidence. Obama gestures the same way. Ben's chin comes up at the end of sentences--again a body gesture shared with Obama that shows his confidence, and a bit of arrogance. He does get ruffled when he is asked questions about his past bad year. Each time he is asked about his past, notice how he presses his lips together to hold in his emotions. When he is asked to talk about what it is like to be him he rubs his ear and his voice becomes clipped and strident revealing stress. Notice how his words say great things about his fans but his body language shows something different. He is actually showing extreme stress. Notice the revelation of that stress as he shares how with his words that it a good thing that people yell and scream his name but his face grimaces and the corners of his mouth come down. A moment later his words say, “It’s better for them to be yelling your name than not.” and “You have to be a fan of the fans.” However, he is frowning. In addition, he is shaking his head no, as he is saying. “It’s great.” To have fans.

There is a "Ben" gesture, a gesture he is known for. He brings his full arm up as he does thumbs up a characteristic Ben body language gesture. He really makes a show of moving his arm up so the thumb is up higher than a typical thumbs up. His thumb is actually at shoulder level, showing his 'up' body language and cockiness.

Signing his new deal last March http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o93sSGadbzQ

Ben’s body language as he is interviewed after signing his new deal last March is so incredibly happy. He voice is up, powerful, and energetic, as is his body language. He is genuine and that shows in his spontaneous comments and matching body language, which is smooth and flowing. He has again, what I call 'up' body language. Up posture shows confidence. When you are confident your posture, motions, voice, and smile are up.

When Ben comes out to make his statement to the press about the sexual assault, he moves quickly. It is clear he wants to get this done and get out of there. As soon as he reaches the podium he reaches across his body in a self comfort gesture apparently to adjust his tie. That movement brings his arm out and in front of his chest to protect his heart. Following this his arm goes away from his body in a very unusual high block. His next movement is seemingly to straighten his cuffs but in fact belies his desire to shake off his negative emotions. Before he speaks, his head comes down not just to look at his notes, it lingers two beats too long before you see and hear him bring his tongue back in his mouth and smack it.

“Saturday is the first that I heard of her allegations.” The corners of his mouth go sharply down and back in a facial expression of denial. As he says, “I will respond to her outrageous allegations in the appropriate forum," he gives a quick aggressive tongue thrust showing he will attack. You can hear him heaving exhalations of breath. That is the way we get rid of negative emotions in the body. “I have an obligation to the Pittsburg Steelers (head down) and I will do that.” His tongues goes across his mouth and erases that statement, (tongue eraser gesture) showing it is a lie. He has several strong downward hand and arm movements called slicing motions that show his power and aggressiveness. Watch his motion as his says, “I am going to fight.” The gesture is not just strong, it is fully harmonious with his voice. He is absolutely telling the truth. He will fight this aggressively.

How to Give Compliments and Praise and Show Gratitude for Good Behavior. ERASER METHOD Praise and Compliments

As a body language expert, in my speaking and coaching, I realized that people often notice bad behaviors in others and are critical, but people don't always notice the good behaviors of others and show them their gratitude for doing something good.

I use the Sunrise Manifesto Gratitude Journal in my coaching, It has a daily request to write about someone you are grateful for.

I tell my clients to write out their gratitude, using my Exact and Aware Gratitude Tool and, when appropriate, share their gratitude with the actual person. I find that very quickly my clients focus more on positive behaviors. They also share with me that it creates uplifting conversations and interactions very quickly.

                                                   Gratitude And Praise Tool 

Noticing and being grateful for people's

nonverbal behaviors.  

Exact    With exact terms, state the person's behavior as it exists now.  Answer the following questions in your statement.  When did it happen? Where did it happen? Who was involved? How often has it happened? Be specific. Make it real and concrete. Don't use generalizations such as always, never, every time.  

 Example:    Three times in the past three weeks, you've called me just to chat.

 Example:    In the last week, you've come through the door and immediately kissed me.

 Example:   I noticed as I stood in line how you made eye contact and smiled and chatted so warmly with the customers before me.     

     

Aware       Make the person aware of the emotion(s) the behavior arouses in you.  How do you feel in

response to their behavior?

Example:  When you call just to chat it makes me feel connected to you, and we end up talking about good things and bad things and laughing and that feels wonderful. Thank you. I am grateful for your friendship.

Example:  I love being first! And when you kiss me I feel like you are happy to see me and you desire me. Thank you, I am grateful for our marriage.                    

Example:  It made me so happy to see your warmth and kindness. Thank you. I am grateful for your happiness. 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.