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How To Deal With a Critical Perfectionist Boss or Family Member


My sister and brother-in-law were coming to visit, and I was tense. I have known my brother-in-law since I was four years old. He was a full bird colonel in the Airforce and an Endodontist. He is a fix-it guy with a garage workbench of the Gods. He is intelligent, disciplined, and a supercritical perfectionist. He points out every problem he sees. I knew he would see every home repair mistake in my home. To stave off the criticism, I spent weeks getting the house ready. I cleaned, painted trim, magic sponged every light switch and door, hired a repair man to come to fix big projects, and my lawn guy to do an over-the-top trim and spruce up and power washing job.  I was so proud of my house. 

Of course, when he walked into my house, he peeked in every room, looking for something to criticize. He didn't see anything and seemed agitated as we sat at the counter and suggested we go out on the deck instead to have our drinks inside. Sitting outside he looked around but, didn't see anything. 

Then he got out of his chair and walked about an acre up the steep hill to the top of the backyard. Then he looked back at my house, and gleefully said, "You have a branch in the room of your garage, and you need to take care of that." My friends, the branch was a twig about a foot long. That twig made him very happy. Well, pointing out my mistake of leaving a twig on my roof made him very happy. I burst into laughter and told him what I had done to prepare for his visit. 

Sometimes knowing someone's personality, what drives them what bothers them most, and having a sense of humor about it is the first step to improving your relationship. 

Get-it-right personalities see every mistake and feel a strong and immediate need to fix them. A mistake "unfixed" can feel physically and emotionally painful to them. It stresses them out. Since mistakes stress them out they think that pointing yours out to you is helping you! "Hey!" "Here is a mistake you missed so you can fix it and remove the stress"  They can actually get a thrill, a chemical high from fixing and pointing out mistakes. Knowing what stresses out your boss and what makes them happy can help you. It's not that they think badly of you. It's just they HAVE to point out mistakes. 

You need to understand what they like and need. Perfectionists tend to be smart, careful, and accurate.  When they see the work you have done, they will correct you. If you think you have completed a task and even moved on to something else they may email you days or weeks later with corrections, problems, mistakes that you made, and why it won't work.

Perfectionists are cautious because they want to ensure it is done the right way and produces the perfect result. 

To make sure they are receptive, set up a time to talk. Don't interrupt them when they are working.  They like their solitude and prefer to know you will be coming to speak to them rather than having you drop by. When you talk to a perfectionist, make your body language appropriate and reserved and your voice slow and at a low volume.  Allow long silent pauses for them to think before they speak.

People want to be heard and understood and sometimes they won't listen to your needs because they are busy trying to make themselves heard. When you begin the conversation state you understand their top need. For a get-it-right perfectionist, you can say, "I know it's important to get things right and not have mistakes, and that is important to me too." 

Then say what you need. Set boundaries up front so your task/project won't be weighed down with back-and-forth conversations and emails with what non-analytical people would consider minutia. "I want to make sure we get this task done right so let's talk right now about what good right and perfect would look like and agree on it." 

And/or you can present the project in steps. For example, "I will give you an outline by this date for your review, a rough draft by this date, and then I will go forward without changes to deliver it to the client by this date.

If you have recently been criticized by a perfectionist and it is undermining a current task/project/sale you can use the ERASER method to have a courageous conversation with them to let them know how their criticisms are affecting you 

If I was upset about my brother in laws criticism of my house I could say.  "I know that having things perfect and my house taken care of is important to you and it is important to me too." "Today when you searched my house and yard for something to point out, I felt criticized in a way that made me feel bad." "While you are visiting can you also look for things you like and find admirable about my house so that I know you care for respecting me?" For more details on how to have that kind of conversation see my article on my method.   https://bodylanguagelady.blogspot.com/search?q=ERASER+ 

I admire and respect my brother-in-law and I have learned how to make us BOTH happy when we interact. I wish you greater understanding and happiness in dealing with your perfectionist relationships. 

 

 

 

 

 



Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How To Call Out a Malignant Narcissist Bad Behavior and Gaslighting.

What to Say to Disarm a Narcissist?

When communicating with any Malignant Narcissists, the first thing to consider is that they get a Narcissistic Supply from your emotions. They can get supply from deceiving you into thinking they like, love, and admire you and supply from causing your pain. So to DISARM them give them no supply.

Your voice/paralanguage (Voice tone, volume, speaking rate tempo, breathing, etc.) is one of the primary pathways for conveying emotion. And your emotions can be a "supply" to feed a narcissist. You may feel angry, frustrated, or hurt, but don't give them the fuel of your emotions. Instead, "Go, Grey," and provide no emotion in your voice when you speak to them. Speak in a monotone, bland voice. Think of the most boring lecture you have ever heard and recreate that voice. You can give it a bit of energy and volume, so they don't ask you to repeat what you have said but speak slowly and plainly. Narcissists get off on the" game" of playing with people. Say what you need to say in a way that closes down denials and excuses.

For example, Malignant Narcissists may give excessive compliments, but they may seem odd, inaccurate, and sincere. They may do this to "trick" people into feeling odd. It can test a target to see if they will "take" the odd compliment, respond with an odd emotion, or display strength (not be a good victim target) and call them on it.

State one true thing about what they said or did and or about what you are doing or will do in response to their toxic behavior.

I like compliments. I am glad you give them. However, you just complimented me on my beautiful blue eyes. You have said that before, and I told you my eyes are green. When you don't see the actual color of my eyes, you are complimenting me, and you don't listen to me, and remember I have told you they are green. I don't feel seen or heard, making me doubt your sincerity. I like compliments. Just make sure they are sincere.

Lateness can be another manipulation test. They can use so many excuses for being late to test the target.

You said you would be here at 7:00, and you got here at 9:00. That breaks my trust in your word. So don't do that again.

The last three times you had a project, you did not follow through and complete them on time or appropriately. You gave excuses, but you didn't follow through. That makes me doubt your word and your ability to be responsible. I won't be able to work with you again if you don't complete on time and to standard.

Narcissists will push boundaries and are ready to say you were wrong in assessing their behavior. So be clear and specific in calling out their behavior and set a clear boundary.

You tell me on each date we go on that I am beautiful, that I am your one and only. The last three times we went out, you flirted openly with the waitress in a way that was sexual and harassing. Being nice to the waitress is, of course, fine, but. Talking about her appearance, her "sexy hair," saying she looks "Hot in that top" when she is well endowed and making her uncomfortable, and you do it when you see I am uncomfortable. I feel manipulated.  Could you not do it? Being nice to the waitress is, of course, fine. But don't be unkind and disrespectful. You are an adult. You know what I am talking about. There is no excuse for that behavior. Please don't do it.  

Tonight, while we were out, you shared with me how you found several other women attractive, and as you kept doing more and more, I noticed you turned and smiled mischievously and gleefully at me. Then you tilted your head when you saw it began to irate me. Yet you kept doing it. You enjoyed doing something that upset me. That is not funny. It's not "all in fun and play." It's manipulative. Please don't do it. Looking at other women is fine, but do not do it throughout the evening and keep escalating to get me upset. This kind of manipulation is not how you show love and caring. I don't like it. Don't do that again.

 





Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Why Do We Gossip and Allow Other's To Gossip and What Can We Do About It?


Gossip grows in unhealthy groups. Toxic groups, especially those with one or more narcissists or people on the dark triad, use gossip to triangulate, exclude and control others to fuel their narcissistic supply. Some group members gossip, showing their shared feelings and gossiping to bond. Others may fear if they don't allow others in the click to gossip or don't gossip themselves, they are excluded from the group and suffer from others gossiping about them.

 The danger is that the group may begin to normalize malicious gossip and escalate into abusive and dangerous behavior, accepting bad behavior of fellow gossipers and victimizing or even demonizing those outside the gossip click. In the presence of other toxic people who reflect "like" behaviors, they don't see their behaviors as unhealthy. In the group, they are whole and belong and feel superior to outsiders.

 HOW TO DEAL WITH GOSSIP

State the Specific Behavior

You said that Mary is a tramp because she is dating three different men

(Or you said the John is incompetent because he keeps asking for advice on data entry)

It doesn't seem very honest or kind when you talk about Mary to us and don't share how you feel about her directly.

State How Your Feel

I feel uncomfortable. I am being disrespectful. I am not honoring someone who is not here to defend herself.

State What You Want

If you have this serious problem with her, I think you need to speak to her about your concerns directly and honestly. Otherwise, you are all being dishonest any time you interact with her without telling her. That creates a lot of unhealthy Behavior and tension.

State What You Will Do

In any case, Mary is my coworker, and I don't want to hear you speak disrespectfully of her



Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

JOE Biden's body language during his sit-down interview with Jimmy Kimmel, body language expert Patti Wood

JOE Biden's body language during his sit-down interview with Jimmy Kimmel, a body language expert said.

Expert Patti Wood told The Sun that the president showed unusual behavior as he sat down with the late-night talk show host on Wednesday, June 8, 2022.

https://www.the-sun.com/news/5525530/joe-biden-behavior-jimmy-kimmel-anger-stress/ 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Amber Head's Body Language in Johnny Depp Trial Courtroom Tesitimony

YESTERDAY, HEARD WRAPPED UP HER TESTIMONY AFTER FOUR DAYS ON THE STAND.

SHE WAS GRILLED DURING CROSS-EXAMINATION WHERE A VIDEO WAS PLAYED SHOWING AMBER HEARD TALKING ABOUT HOW T-M-Z KNEW ABOUT HER AND DEPP'S RELATIONSHIP IN 20-16.

SOUNDBITE – I’m looking for a link to this one

TRT: 12

OC: (HANDS UP TO FACE)

BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT, PATTI WOOD JOINS US NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF HEARD'S REACTION TO HER OWN COMMENTS?

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JOHNNY DEPP'S DEFAMATION SUIT AGAINST HIS EX-WIFE AMBER HEARD IS BACK IN SESSION.

YESTERDAY, HEARD WRAPPED UP HER TESTIMONY AFTER FOUR DAYS ON THE STAND.

SHE WAS GRILLED DURING CROSS-EXAMINATION WHERE A VIDEO WAS PLAYED SHOWING AMBER HEARD TALKING ABOUT HOW T-M-Z KNEW ABOUT HER AND DEPP'S RELATIONSHIP IN 20-16.

SOUNDBITE – I’m looking for a link to this one

TRT: 12

OC: (HANDS UP TO FACE)

BODY LANGUAGE EXPERT, PATTI WOOD JOINS US NOW.

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF HEARD'S REACTION TO HER OWN COMMENTS?

  It’s interesting that her voice wavers as if she wants to cry as she says, “So he finds out about the divorce filings” From some other source rather than TMZ goes very logical and calm then she does a “FACE Cream Wipe” its emotional cleansing gesture we usually reserve to wipe away extreme emotions as in witness a shooting, But then she goes into an odd whipping her fingers of the emotion and looking at if trying to see if she gave enough emotion then whipping again. SO we are seeing her go to rapid mood changes.

 DEPP'S ATTORNEY ALSO QUESTIONED MS. HEARD ABOUT A COMPLAINT BEING FILED AGAINST A NURSE AND HER LICENSE WHO WAS DEPOSED IN THIS CASE.

LISTEN:

SOUNDBITE: https://www.dropbox.com/s/5xyeuj9kxggs5ym/SOT%20Nurse%20Complaint.mp4?dl=0

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF HER RESPONSE THERE?

 Her elbows go out in a “bid to power

and then she does a “Adjustment Cue” Pulling down her suit jacket,

and blinks rapidly all cues that indicate she is preparing herself/gaining strength to answer.

 Then she holds her head down and looks down, and pauses closes her eyes and her head rises and she tosses her head and hair back and appears to, “get into character,” and she says, “ahhh , no, I don’t, I don’t believe I did then does a tongue thrust and glares with slightly pouted lips at the attorney showing passive-aggressive hatred for the lawyer asking her this.  The use of the words “I DON”T BELIVE I DID” are not common in someone asked a question about something a clear and specific as filing a complaint most innocent people would know with certainty that they DIDN”T file it.

 My Rough Notes in Preparation for HLN (Head-Line News Interview.)

 PROSECUTORS HAVE FOCUSED ON HEARD'S SUPPOSED FRIENDS AND ROMANTIC ENTANGLEMENTS WITH OTHER MEN DURING HER MARRIAGE TO JOHNNY -- INCLUDING A LATE-NIGHT VISIT FROM JAMES FRANCO THE NIGHT AFTER HEARD ALLEGES DEPP THREW A PHONE AT HER FACE.  

WHAT DO YOU MAKE OF THE BEHAVIOR BETWEEN THEM?

CLIP: https://www.dropbox.com/s/gmrbvyb6wgpy8it/SOT%20Franco%20Visit.mp4?dl=0

 

Franco visit Interesting that he goes to the corner immediately with his head down, clearly knowing how not show his face and retain anonymity. She also keeps her head down and face out of view, I think they know they could be watched an she moves backward towards him to still no show her face, but to gain comfort up against him rumba vacuum returning to its station and he moves his head forward to give her comfort. Unless she has to be with him to get him how through security, her going with him would signal a desire to be with him as long as possible, to linger with him, a signal of a stronger bond than just sex.

 

 

 




Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.