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What is Malignant Narcissistic Hoovering and How Can You Deal With it? By Body Language and Relationship Expert Patti Wood



What is Malignant Narcissistic Hoovering and How Can You Deal With it? 

By Body Language and Relationship Expert Patti Wood from her book and speech

Hoovering is a technique with a wide set of varying behaviors a malignant narcissist uses to suck you back into their influence and gameplaying.

Malignant Narcissists are said to have a different reward system in their brains. Most people like a moderate amount of positive attention and work not to receive negative attention such as criticism and anger.

Malignant Narcissists are insatiable. They have a dark void and never-ending need for attention and if they don’t get positive attention, they will seek negative attention. Just as a drug addict needs their supply of drugs, MC needs their narcissist supply, they need it to not fall into what feels to them a dark void of nothingness. Their self-esteem and their very existence depend on that supply.

People they can control, and influence provide their first supply source, and then also people they can say and show as being connected to.

Secondary supply includes economic safety, group acceptance, status, and visible success factors like a high-level job title, big house, or boat/yacht.

When they need a supply, and can’t get it or get enough of it from their current people under their control, say for example if a girlfriend breaks up with them, or they are out of town and feel lonely, they will go down their list of past controlled contacts and try to hoover them back in.

Hoovering can include everything from suddenly showing up at your door, to a simple out-of-blue, “Haven’t heard from you in a while.” Text. sending cards and gifts, to middle-of-the-night drunken phone call pleadings that can also turn into vicious threats and ranting attacks.  

One of the ways to look at a potential Hoovering behavior to tell if it’s a sign that you are being targeted is to see or hear their behavior and check in with how it makes you feel. If your gut doesn’t like it, it’s hoovering, and you need to avoid being sucked in. Or if you feel overly elevated and overwhelmed by a love bomb Hoover attempt, check in with yourself and think how you felt at your worst with them. I recommend you write down all the bad things that happened when you were in their sphere of influence to remind yourself. MNs are master persuaders. They may woo and flatter, they may threaten, they may appeal to you by saying things like made a mistake, or I realize now I am lost without it. Whether your MN was a romantic partner, a relative, or an old boss they may try to lure you back into the “fairytale” of what was or what you hoped it would be.

Remember a MN does not care about you. They just remember you were a source of supply. It doesn’t matter how they hurt you in the past. It's all about what they need from you. They feel like it's their right to seek supply from you because you gave it to them at one time. Even if they got supply from abusing you, attacking you, assassinating your character, and other more horrible behaviors they will get out the hoover and come for you.

How you deal with hoovering should be monitored by the fact that they will keep coming back till they continue to get absolutely nothing from you.

Two factors that can help them stay away and not seek contact.

1. You must make sure they no longer get any “supply” from you. That means don’t respond, or if you are face to face or on the phone and can’t break the contact, be boring, have an emotionless voice and body language be bland. Don’t share anything about yourself and how you feel.

2. You have to hope are fed by lots of other people and sources of supply so they don’t cycle back to you as a formally reliable supply source. So, if your ex has a new gal, as much as you may fear for her future, her as a source of supply may keep him from hurting you. If a coworker is now getting his or her anger, that coworker is supply and not you.

3. You have to hope they won’t keep playing with you at a distance with actions like smear campaigns, name-calling, and damaging your other relationships as that can continue to feed them so they continue to feel connected and in contact and or you need to not care or give any energy to these actions they do to stay connected.

 

 






















Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Why Do Guys Flirt with Other Women To Make You Jealous?



A man flirts to gain power. He shows interest in other women to illustrate to you his skills in making other women feel good, and light up because of his advances, and for you to see that other women (now your competition) are interested in him.

By flirting he can take away your confidence in yourself and your confidence in the security of your bond as a couple.

He wants to see a response from you. It’s an attempt at manipulation.

He may get to see you in pain, you get angry, you work harder to keep him, you become subservient and not make reasonable requests of him because a shift of power,


Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What Are Sanpaku Eyes? How They Can Help You Spot a Liar, Psychopath or Narcissist Insights from Body Language Expert Patti Wood

Top body language expert reveals secrets of the ancient art of "eye reading"

The entire article is here. https://www.firstforwomen.com/posts/mental-health/sanpaku-eyes                      The excerpts where I am quoted are below. 

According to the ancient tradition of Japanese face reading, “sanpaku,” you can learn something interesting about people from how much of the whites of their eyes show. For most of us, the whites of our eyes only show on either side of our iris (the colored part of our eye). But for some folks, the whites (or sclera) show underneath the iris — this is known as “yin sanpaku.” In other people — and this is quite rare — the whites show above the iris — this is known as “yang sanpaku.” Read on to learn what these different types of eyes indicate about the people who have them — including the late Princess Diana.Yin sanpaku, or white under the iris, is believed by practitioners of traditional Japanese face reading to signal physiological turmoil, owing to drug abuse or overindulgence, and may hint at future struggles in life. People with whites below the iris may view the outside world as a danger — which could said of the three of the celebrity examples below: Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Princess Diana. “Singer Billie Eilish, Diana Ross, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Twiggie, Princess Diana and President John F. Kennedy all have or had this trait,” reveals body language expert Patti Wood author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma.

She adds that while sanpaku is a mystical tradition, science tells us that scleral show can be attributed to several factors from good old-fashioned genetics to health conditions like thyroid issues, which may cause the whites of the eyes to become more pronounced. Long before we had the science of body language, people were already ‘seeing things’ in the eyes,” says Wood. “That’s because eyes are the first part of the body we look at — they’re a key indicator of one’s emotional state and can signal the next action a person may take by what they’re looking at or focusing on.

What is a ‘reptilian stare’?

“The whites of the eyes are the first thing I notice when I look at police photos or a ‘perp walk,’” reveals Wood, who once consulted as a police officer trainer. She explains the wide, cold glare of serial killer Ted Bundy or Bryan Kohlberger, who is suspected of killing four college students last year, exposes more of the whites of their eyes. This sends chills down our spine because it activates the limbic system, triggering our fight-or flight-response—the body’s version of a fire alarm warning us of danger.

What is the ‘hypnotic gaze’?

While running into a Jack-Nicholson-in-the-Shining-esque psycho with an exaggerated  “sanpaku stare” is about as likely as aliens touching down on Earth tomorrow, what is sadly more realistic is interacting with a narcissist. One trick of their manipulative trade is known as the “hypnotic gaze.”

“This is a focused and intense stare that makes you feel like they love and adore you in a way you’ve never felt from anyone before,” observes Wood. Trouble is a malignant narcissist may intentionally use this gaze as a weapon. “They might look at you intently during a conversation, but as soon as you question them, like ‘Why were you late for dinner?’ they’ll immediately drop their focus, making you feel horrible

They “hook” you on their laser-focused attention, then pull the rug out from you, leaving you disoriented and full of misplaced self-blame.

It’s helpful to note that psychologically healthy people — very charismatic folks, to be specific— also employ the “hypnotic gaze” to make you feel seen and heard, says Wood. But the key difference is a narcissist will use this strategy to exercise control over you.

Just knowing this is part of their larger arsenal of love bombing — showering you with compliments and attention — only to withdraw them on a whim, will shift the power dynamic in your relationship and help you create healthy boundaries.

How do you spot ‘lying eyes’?

Another “Pinocchio” signal to look for? Watch for someone’s blink rate to suddenly tick up. A rate of 40 blinks per second is normal, notes Wood, but if you, say, ask your teenager a question, like “Where were you last night?” and their eyes are instantly aflutter, it may indicate increased anxiety owing to deception, because we tend to blink more when emotions are high.



Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How To Deal With a Difficult Bullying Boss. How to Communicate With a Bully to Seek Respectful Behavior.


By Patti Wood Body Language and Relationship Expert from her book and speech "The Conflict Cure."

                                    Establish Commonality

When warring nations are negotiating for peace one of the steps they may take is to see what they have in common so they can begin to see each other as not just the enemy. It’s easy for a boss to bully someone they don’t have a personal relationship with. They can just be “The Boss.” It's also more likely if they don’t think you know are care about the beyond your business relationship that they can stay in bully-boss mode. You can take a first step towards becoming more connected by finding mutual interests. In addition, If you can see them as a fully three-dimensional person you are less likely to see them as a bullying boss and communicate with them with less fear and animosity.

For example ask them about their hobbies, vacation spots, favorite shows, and music. If you can find commonality your boss can see that you are more like them and less like just an “employee.”

Say to yourself, “he thinks the summer project is a priority and so do I.” State your commonalities out loud to your boss and seek them out loud.  For example, “What are our common goals for this project?” What do we both see as the quota for this shift?” “What do we both want to see happen with this client/customer?” “What result do we both want from this meeting today?”

                         Repeat their criticism and attacks in a neutral voice

Repeat what the criticizer has just said. Repeating back the information gives both of you a better understanding of what was said, For example, you can say “Let me make sure I understand…” When I was working on a project with a rather bossy “always right” boss they yelled out one day “If you would do exactly what I told you to do exactly the way I told you to do it we wouldn’t have any problems.” I calmly repeated his statement. Guess what?  He had been so angry when he said it he hadn’t even realized how horrible he sounded. When he heard me say it,  he hung his head and said, “Oh, I’m sorry that sounded pretty bad.” You’ll find that repeating back helps you calm down to hear their message and be able to say it back to them calmly and helps them hear how it may have sounded to you. 

         Request clearly and specifically how you wish to be treated

 With clear and specific examples point out their behavior, how you feel, and the costs, and then give a specific request about how you wish to be treated. For example, “For the last three weeks when you have made requests for me to do something, like get a project done by Friday, you have raised your voice and yelled at me and left and not let me discuss the task with you. I feel disrespected. In the future when you want something from me, I would like you to sit down and have a conversation, at a conversational volume, and seek my input and response. And if you can make that change, I will feel more valued and can do a better job for you and the company.”


“In the past we have not communicated in a way that I feel valued and respected, so going forward I am going to ask that you take the time to listen to me and my viewpoints and know that if I don’t feel heard I will tell you immediately and request that you listen to my needs and insights.”
 

 

 

 

 




Patti Wood, MA. Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Should You Reach Out to a Guy Who Gives You the Silent Treatment? How to Respond to Ghosting.


Silence is a nonverbal communication. When you reach out to a man to indicate your interest and they do not respond you are left with a black hole. Does silence mean dislike, indifference, withdrawal, passive-aggressive punishment, or some problem in their life that is engaging them that has nothing to do with you? Inside the agony of this ambiguity, the black hole, we project our expectations, emotions, and anxieties.  The top four are What they think about you, what they feel about dating or having someone interested in them romantically, What’s going on in their life, Who they are, that is what kind of personality and social skills and issues they have.

Let’s look at those last two. They could have something going on in their lives, illness, loss, depression, workload. If that’s a possibility give them an option.
“I am interested in you, but it seems this a not a good time.” I am here if you want to reach out, but I will give you the time you need and reach out again in a month to see if it’s a better time.”

Let’s look at the other option if there is still a chance they are interested. They could find it hard to communicate for whatever reason.

“I know it's hard to do small talk and date.” “I am interested in getting to know you and I want to make it easier.” “If you are interested in me, just say, I am interested, but not sure, and want to take it slow.” “If I don’t hear back and will know you are not interested and that’s ok I just didn’t want to miss the chance to get to know you better.”

If you can rule out those reasons for their lack of response know that in In persuasion theory, it takes on average three claims to persuade someone. So listen to the message of three rejections. There is rather a magic number. Our brains seek patterns and three is the smallest number we need to create a pattern.

The general social rule is that three requests/emails, texts, or calls from you to them with no responses in most circumstances are an indication they are “ghosting” you.

They have communicated to you, just not with the message that you want.

You have three options. You get the message and break contact with them. Send a message that you get their message of disinterest and that you are sorry that you won’t get the chance to know them better or three send them a message that you are interested and know they are not currently at a place to connect and that will contact them in a month to see if their interest has changed. 






Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.