What are the signs you are dating a
Narcissist?
I have been writing and speaking about charisma and the and their dangerous extreme narcissists for many years.
This is the story for Verily I was asked
to contribute to last week. You can also see more about who they are attracted
to and more signs you are dating a narcissist by going to this blog post
https://bodylanguagelady.blogspot.com/2017/10/just-did-piece-for-verilymagazine.html
5 Common Traits Narcissistic Men
Are Looking for in Women
PUBLISH DATE:NOV 2, 2017
Experts say this is how to keep from being a
narcissistic man’s ideal.
Swept off your feet with compliments, fancy dinners, and
generous gifts—you think you've found McDreamy. When you describe the surreal
time you're having to friends, it feels like you're talking about a movie. Yet,
as the dating continues, you start to notice that it’s really all about him. He
constantly talks about himself, prioritizes his needs over yours, is overly
sensitive to any form of criticism—and is obsessed with status (the fancy
dinners dates at the exclusive restaurants are starting to make sense).
You find that emotional intimacy is impossible, and your
relationship starts to fizzle— and you realize it’s happened again.
Only
7.7
percent of men have a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), but you may
have dated one, or maybe even several, as they often flock to a
certain type of woman. If you’ve frequently dated guys who make it all about
them, you might have noticed a pattern. After the intense wooing is over, he’s
quick to criticize you and put you down if you express any sort of resistance
to his need to put himself first.
As a therapist, I've seen this seriously damage women's
self-esteem and well-being. And over time, I've noticed that narcissists seek
certain traits in potential romantic partners. So I spoke with other experts in
my field to discuss trends and discovered that there are five common traits a
narcissist looks for in a woman.
Do any of these sound like you?
1. You’re outwardly successful.
It can be tough to admit, but if you feel insecure about
yourself even if you are attractive, put together, and successful, you may be
advertising yourself as a great fit for a narcissist. “Narcissists tend to seek
out people that will fill a template for what they believe will make them look
good,” says
Elizabeth
Earnshaw, a trained Gottman Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. “In
essence, [the narcissist’s] partner may be seen as an accessory,” she explains.
A narcissistic man is attracted to someone who looks beautiful and accomplished—not
because they like that person, but because her appearance and
accomplishments fuel his ego.
However, a narcissist also wants a woman who
isn't too confident because he wants to run the show. So if he
senses your insecurities, he will be all the more attracted to you because you
won’t likely threaten his own success, whether it’s real or
perceived. While it might be uncomfortable to acknowledge your
insecurities, owning them and making a plan to increase your self-confidence
can help. When a narcissist senses your strong sense of confidence, he’ll back
away.
2. You're a people pleaser (and can't help it).
Of course, we all want the guy we’re dating to be happy, but
if it comes at the
expense of
your own well being, it’s unhealthy. A narcissist is looking for
someone who will give him constant attention and emotional validation at any
cost. Psychotherapist and author,
Karen Koenig, says that individuals who
attract narcissists often “don’t have a strong sense of who they are and what
they want because they don’t believe it’s okay to take care of their own
needs.”
A narcissist is someone who monopolizes the relationship and
who never compromises. He just demands.
Establishing
boundaries so that your needs are acknowledged and met in a
relationship could help prevent you from getting too deep and potentially
trapped.
3. You avoid conflict like the plague.
While few people are actually fans of conflict, if you avoid
conflict at all costs, you might be making yourself more attractive to
narcissists. Patti Wood, body language expert and author, says that
narcissists tend to want someone “who is low in ‘harm avoidance’ and high in
‘cooperation.’" If you tend to give in easily to the wishes or demands of
others at work or in your personal life for the sake of avoiding conflict, you
might fit the ideal profile of a potential partner for a narcissist.
If you often put your needs and opinions aside for the sake
of avoiding conflict in the relationship, you’ll more easily fall prey to a narcissist
who thrives when others provide the empathy and attention they crave. Yes,
being willing to compromise in a relationship is important but being a doormat
isn’t compromising.
4. You’re ignoring red flags.
One big red flag that signals narcissistic behavior is never
taking responsibility for any negative events in one's life. Narcissists are
known to play the victim when things don’t go their way, explains Patti Wood,
and they will often blame their exes, bosses, and friends for anything negative
that’s happened in the past. Don't make the mistake of ignoring this crucial
red flag. If you are quick to explain away your date calling his ex “evil”
or "crazy" saying his boss was “out to get him," you are sending signals that you
are okay with him blaming others for his mistakes. Yes—we all make mistakes but
when someone refuses to take responsibility for his role in the event ever,
you’re risking your own happiness and well-being down the line because soon
he’ll start blaming you when things don’t go well.
5. You are swept up in the romance on the first date.
It's easy to allow yourself to be infatuated after the first
date, especially when you are dating a narcissist (they're so attractive
and charming at first!). Even though it typically takes some time for a
narcissist to reveal his true colors, there are some subtle signs that you can
look out for on a first date to help you steer clear of the second. Look past
the "love bombing" and the overwhelming flattery and ask the
following questions:
· Is there
any back-and-forth in the conversation, or is it total domination?
· Does
he accept your opinions even if you disagree with each other?
· Does
he act entitled to certain things, or expect special treatment?
· Is he
rude to the wait staff or bartender?
· Is he
over-the-top on the first date?
· Is he
invading your space?
If it's a resounding "yes" to one or more of
these, it's a sign he does not deserve a second date, even if it occurred at
a Michelin-starred restaurant. A narcissist thinks he’s the sun, and he’s
looking for someone to orbit around his world and make him look good without
causing too much trouble. Being confident in yourself, standing up for your
needs and opinions, firmly enforcing boundaries, and not being afraid to say no
and walk away, will help send the message to your narcissist that you aren’t
going to fit in his self-obsessed world.
PLUS
If you
truly want to understand how smart warm wonderful women are targets of
Psychopaths read the research of Sandra Brown:
“The seminal aspect of the research was in detecting these women's
unique and astounding elevated 'super traits' of temperament, personality
strengths and weaknesses. These proved to be an amazingly compatible match for
the strengths and weaknesses of a psychopath and brought a natural 'balance' to
the honeymoon aspects of the relationship.”
“While the uncovering of her innate traits and
conditioned behaviors explained much about this dangerous relationship and has
brought huge intellectual and emotional relief to the victims, it does not seem
to have gone very far in modifying the public misperceptions about psychopaths
or their victims. On a recent radio show, after describing the huge elevation
of some of the victim's temperament traits and explaining how it could affect
her patterns of selection and even tolerance in these relationships, the host
said, "That's a crock of crap! You're telling me that a few temperament traits
can do that? I don't believe it. She picked him, she stayed, she needs to own
it and she was probably abused as a child." These simplistic answers are
what have been, and continue to be, at the core of the abysmal lack of public
psychopathology education.”
“As mentioned, my research has revealed that
women who love psychopaths (and other Cluster B personality disordered
individuals) possess rather unique and extraordinary 'super traits' of
temperament that make them the perfect target/victim of the psychopath. While
the following does not cover all of her traits, these were the ones most highly
elevated and were thus likely contributing factors:
Here is
the research by Sandra Brown on what psychopaths look for in a romantic partner:
§
Extraversion and excitement seeking (Psychopaths are also extraverts and excitement seekers.) In other words, these women started out being
the least dependent types on the planet!
§
Deep Investment in all relationships (The victim gives great emotional, spiritual, physical, financial
investments in any of her relationships, not just the intimate ones.)
§
Sentimentality
§
Attachment – Deep bonding capacity (She has a deep bonding capacity.)
§
Competitiveness – stand ground – not codependent (She is not likely to be run out of relationships – she will
stand her ground. Again, not the
co-dependent type at all.)
§
Low Harm Avoidance – does not expect to be hurt (She doesn’t expect to be hurt, sees others through who she
is. In other words, not a person looking
to recreate an abusive relationship of childhood. In fact, more often than not, these women
were never exposed to abuse of any kind as children.)
§
Cooperation
§
Higher Empathy – can be genetic
§
Responsibilty and Resourcefulness
