By Human Behavior Expert Patti Wood
Jake is an energetic, talkative child who loves to have fun, but he would get into a lot of trouble when he was at home. His mother Sarah was working long hours and came home tired, and she hated the chaos and mess that he caused. She wanted him to behave so whenever he did something wrong, she would yell at him and tell him how disappointed she was in him. She would criticize him for not being able to sit still during family dinner, for yelling in the house as he played, for running through the kitchen, for leaving a mess in the living room, for not putting away his toys and not going to bed the first time she asked him at night. The list of his wrongs seemed overwhelming to both of them and the yelling and all the punishments she meted out to him didn’t make him stop.
In fact,
over time Jake felt like he could never do anything right in his mother's eyes,
and he began to lose confidence in himself. He started acting out more, trying
to feel powerful, yelling louder, running around more, and leaving bigger more destructive
messes. Jake wanted his mother to notice he was a big boy, but it only made
things worse.
Jake's mother's frustration grew, and she
grew angrier and angrier at Jake. One day
Jake exploded after she criticized him his face got red, he cried beat his
hands on his little chest, and shouted “I am a big boy, and you never notice!
You say I am a bad boy I am a very bad boy but I and good boy too.” Her seven-year-old
was very smart. And his mother realized in that moment she was spending all
her time noticing his misbehaving. Her focus and attention were only on the
negative. She decided to give Jake the
praise he craved and notice the positive things he was doing. She noticed when
he cleaned his room without being asked or when he helped his little sister
with her homework when he brought his plate and cup to the kitchen from the
dinner table and more.
As she noticed each good behavior she began
to feel proud of him and so she told him how she felt and thanked him when he
helped around the house.
Jake
was surprised by his mother's sudden change. He had gotten used to being
criticized all the time, and the praise caught him off guard. For several weeks
he didn’t change at all he kept acting out. But as his mother stopped yelling
at him all the time and made a conscious effort to praise him at least three
times a day. She realized her critical grove ran deep and had to stop herself
from getting angry and sometimes she didn’t notice till 20 minutes before bedtime
she had forgotten to praise him at all and raced to fill the three-praise quotient,
but slowly she found it easier to see many good things about her son. Slowly,
very slowly he started to change. He was happier, he smiled more, and he was
excited to show his mother things he did well knowing now he would be seen for
his good actions.
Frequent
criticism can make children feel like they are not good enough or that their
efforts are not valued. This can lead to a lack of motivation, a decrease in
self-esteem, and a negative attitude toward themselves and others. Children
who experience frequent criticism may also be more likely to develop anxiety
and depression.
In contrast, frequent praise and
positive feedback can have positive effects on:
1. Encouragement: Praise can be a great source of
encouragement for children. When you give specific and timely praise, it can motivate
them to continue working hard and doing their best.
2. Self-esteem:
Specific and timely praise can also boost children's self-esteem. When they
receive positive feedback for their efforts and accomplishments, they feel more
confident and capable.
3. Communication:
Praise can be a way to communicate your values and expectations to your
children. By praising specific behaviors and actions, you are reinforcing what
is important to you and encouraging your children to continue exhibiting those
specific behaviors.
Here are the guidelines for giving clear
effective praise to your children.
1. Be
specific: Instead of giving general praise like "good job" or
"you're so smart," try to be specific about what behaviors or actions
you are praising. This helps children understand exactly what they did well and
reinforces those specific behaviors. What did they do that made it a good job,
what did they do that showed you that they are smart. Notice the verbal and
nonverbal behavior and how they handle their emotions and interactions.
2. Be
timely: Try to give praise as soon as possible after the behavior or action
occurs. This helps children make an immediate connection between their behavior
and the positive feedback they receive.
3. Be
sincere: Children can often tell when praise is insincere or not genuine. Try
to give praise that is specific and authentic and reflects your genuine
appreciation for their efforts and accomplishments. Make sure your voice and
manner aren’t preachy or over the top manner. And don’t sound surprised or say,
“Finally you’re doing something right”
4. Let
them know how their “good” behavior has an effect. Tell them how it impacts how
you feel and what effect their good behavior has on your home, the family and other
people.
5. Focus
on effort: Instead of just praising the end result, focus on the effort that
went into achieving that result. This reinforces the idea that hard work and
effort are important and valued.
6. Avoid
comparisons: Avoid comparing your children to others when giving praise. This
can create an unhealthy sense of competition and can make children feel like
they are only valued when they are better than others.
You
don’t have to stop criticizing but It's important for parents to find a balance
between providing constructive feedback and praise. Constructive feedback can
be helpful in helping children learn from their mistakes and improve, but it
should be given in a way that is constructive and focuses on the behavior or
action, rather than the child as a person. Praise should also be specific and
timely, focusing on
Here are specific examples of effective
praise.
1. I
noticed how you shared your toy with your friend without being asked. That’s
what good friends do, and I was happy to see you share.
2. I
loved how you tried the brussels sprouts for the first time and even asked for
seconds. I like it when you are willing to try new fun foods when we have
dinner together. It makes our family time happy and adventurous.
3. I
saw how you held the door open for that lady behind us who was having trouble
holding her baby and opening the door. That was thoughtful and kind of you.
4. This
morning before school, I heard you practicing your music and it sounded so
beautiful. I thought about your playing all day today at work and wanted you to
know your hard work is paying off, and I am proud of your progress.
5. While
we are reading this story together, I noticed you ask good questions and
show your curiosity about the characters. Your love of learning makes me feel excited
about your future.
6. You
are helping me with the dishes without being asked and putting everything away.
It shows me how responsible you are, and I am happy and grateful as those are
qualities that will serve you well in life and if you do this I can have time
some nights to make us a treat. How about popcorn tonight?
7. During
your soccer game I saw how you cheered on your teammates and encouraged them
even when things were tough. I could see how your teammates smiled at you. You have
a positive effect on them, and your positivity and teamwork make me feel proud.
8. When
we were playing a board game together, I loved how you cheered on your brother
and congratulated him each time he did well when granddad won and didn't get
upset. Did you see how everyone laughed all night? We had such a good time and
your good attitude makes me feel so proud of you.
9. I saw just now how you used your manners and
said please and thank you to the cashier. I saw how it made her perk up and
notice you and smile. You showed good manners and respect. I feel grateful
to have you as my child.
10. This morning when you woke up and gave me a big hug, it made me feel so loved and happy. Your affection and love for your family make me feel grateful and proud to have you as my child.
One
day, Samantha came home to find that Alex had spilled a bowl of cereal on the
floor and was refusing to clean it up. She was already feeling frustrated and
overwhelmed, and she lost her temper, yelling at him and threatening to punish
him if he didn't clean up the mess. Alex became defensive and started arguing
back, and the situation escalated until both of them were shouting at each
other.
After
things had calmed down a bit, Samantha realized that her approach wasn't
working. She was tired of constantly feeling angry and frustrated, and she
could see that it wasn't helping Alex or Emily either. She decided to try a
different approach and started looking for ways to catch her children doing
things right.
The
next day, when Alex came home from school, Samantha noticed that he had put his
backpack away neatly and hung up his coat without being asked. She praised him
for being responsible and for taking care of his things, and she could see that
he was pleased by her positive feedback. Later that day, when Emily shared a
toy with her brother instead of fighting over it, Samantha made sure to praise
her as well, telling her how proud she was of her for being kind and generous.
Over
time, Samantha found that catching her children doing things right was much
more effective than constantly criticizing and punishing them. Alex and Emily
started to respond to her positive feedback, and they began to behave better
and get along more harmoniously. Samantha also felt less stressed and more
connected to her children, and she could see that her new approach was making a
real difference in their lives.
