. When we are with the Right Person, it feels like we have found True North. When you are with a True North honest person, you feel safe, comfortable, calm, and sometimes both calm and energized in their presence. You may even notice that your breathing changes, moving from high on your chest to your belly, is easy deep flowing breaths, and your voice changes, becoming warmer, fuller, and richer. You feel you can be fully yourself, say and do anything. When you are with the wrong Person, you are under stress. Your limbic system creates the freeze-flight-flight-fall—faint or friend response, but when we are in the presence of a True North, we feel the opposite of stress. If you feel like you are your natural self, with no need to be "on," it's a sign you may have found your Person.
2. You feel good after you
are with them. You can get a highly charged feeling of euphoria when you meet
the Right Person, which means you still feel good after you are with them. Your
body has not had to go overdrive, so you feel good. When you're with an
emotionally toxic person, your central nervous system goes on overdrive to
protect you. It may push tons of adrenaline and cortisol into your system while
you are with them, giving you a high, but that's your body in danger mode of
Freeze, Flight Fight, Fall, or Friend response. It's very different from the
pleasant limerence high of love, and one of those differences can be monitored
by how you feel AFTER you are with them and how you feel when you are about to
see them. Do you think overstimulated with racing thoughts and worries about
what you said and did or what they might say or do, or are you pleasantly
excited?
3. You find yourself sharing
fond memories from your life. You self-disclose, but not to the point of
feeling discomfort. You tell good stories, and they don't push you to say
anything that makes you uncomfortable or too vulnerable when they have not yet
earned your trust. Instead, they self-disclose in kind and share memories of
good times with emotionally healthy friends and family. People sometimes say after
a first date, "We met and stayed up all night sharing stories of our
lives." You know it's the Right Person if your bond is sharing happy
stories, not trauma-bonding stories.
Toxic people will ask for and
share trauma stories, pushing past normal self-disclosure boundaries when they
have not earned your trust. It may seem intoxicating to share your secrets and
have someone look into your eyes, listen, and hold you as you self-disclose
your past pain, but that is not healthy bonding if you haven't built a trust-filled
relationship.
4. You notice that they
consider your feelings and comfort and work to ensure you are happy and safe.
They ask questions about you and your life, listen, and ask follow-up questions
showing a more profound interest in knowing you. If it's cold, they notice if
you are warm enough. If you have been quiet, they check in to see if you are
ok. If you don't eat something on your plate, they ask if it is ok or if you
want something else. They notice you when driving and ensure you are
comfortable with their driving habits, like the speed at which they drive and
turn left safely. They can detect your boundaries and comfort and don't push
those boundaries. For example, they may touch your arm, notice you move closer,
smile, and know you are comfortable with their touch, but if your nonverbal
response were discomfort, they would not escalate their touching/
5. They keep their word. If
they say they are going to do something, they do it. Their behavior is
reliable. You can count on them.
6. They speak well of their
family, friends, and others.
