Six Non-verbal Clues That There Is Trouble in the Relationship with Your Partner/Spouse

Six Non-verbal Clues That There Is Trouble in the Relationship

with Your Partner/Spouse

A happy healthy relationship feels good. There may be bumps but when you get to the other side of the conflict you feel better. If you know what normal, happy, and healthy behavior is in your relationship it is easier to see when your partner's behavior changes to something that feels uncomfortable. Your body does not relax and feel calm. Often this occurs because your limbic system is noticing negative nonverbal cues, and your central nervous system is keeping you alert to danger.

When you stay stressed and feel that something is constantly off, but you cannot put your finger on it, it may be time to consciously look for concrete observable behaviors that are making you feel uncomfortable and address them with your partner.

What you are looking for are changes from their normal behavior that cannot be explained by other external issues like health problems and work stress. Ideally, you see a sign and address it. If you see multiple signs there is more danger, and even then, it is best to start by addressing one issue at a time in a conversation.

1. Space One of the most important things to be aware of, and one of the basic foundational principles of body language, is that you go towards what you like, and you retreat from or run away from what you do not like. If the norm was for your partner to lean in as you spoke, a healthy sign in a relationship, and now they are leaning away or reverting when you come near, it may be an indicator something is off in the relationship. Do they change how much time they spend sitting near you? Do they change the amount of time they spend in the same room as you?

2. Time A Be aware of the time spent together - and apart. Although it is normal for schedules to become busier, couples should want to spend time together. If this changes, becoming anything from not spending weekend days with you that they did before or coming home late or leaving for work early, and there is no other “external cause,” it might be worth speaking to your partner. Another indicator is eye contact or a lack thereof.

3. Eye contact When somebody loves you, they like looking at you. If there is a sudden change in the amount of time, they spend looking at you and making eye contact with you,” it is not a good sign. Touch is a powerful communicator so changes in the number of times they touch you or the location they touch you are telling. If your partner used to love holding your hand but suddenly has no interest in physical contact, their body may be telling you something that they have not verbally said. Whether they are made consciously or not, non-verbal clues can be an important indicator of the health of your relationship.

4. Phubbing, They are paying attention to their devices instead of being fully present with you. Especially if there is a sudden change/increase.

5. Wedding ring behavior Playing with or not wearing their wedding ring. Your central nervous system is stressed when you see human behavior that does not make sense to you. When for example the body language and the words spoken do not align. So for example a man says he cares for you but does not wear the wedding ring you have him or plays with he plays with it when he is out with you and there are other attractive women around, or you are single and out with a business colleague and he is flirting with you subtly while playing with a wedding ring that his wife gave him. There is a mismatch there and it drives the limbic brain crazy and alerts the central nervous system to stress mode. (The stress responses are freeze flee, fight, fall, or faint) So if you see the behavior and for a moment you freeze in place and are speechless be wary and know that something is very wrong. Side note. I am fascinated with autobiographies and biographies of women. I read Elizabeth Edwards autobiography a few years ago and was struck by a chapter where she discusses how her husband kept losing his wedding band when he went out running and how she bought several wedding bands for him so he would always have one. The writing in that section was so odd and stilted. You know she wanted to say, I know my husband is cheating on me, but darn it, I am going to fight for this relationship.

6. Sleep Are there changes in the way they sleep? I have done research on couples’ sleep positions and a sudden change, which is not to physical health can indicate unhappiness in the relationship. Even a change in sleep behavior like suddenly not going to bed when you do can signal an issue.

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.

Jim Jordan's Body Language, President Biden's Body Language about Israel and Putin by Body Language Expert Patti Wood

My TV Interview.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kVCj65-mAOQ

1. Rarely pointed. Kept hands in"hold the earth in place"Gesture

So when he did point as he talked about Putin in made his stabbing motion stronger.

2. American is a beacon, power of the point- his eyebrow goes up with emphasis. Point downwards. I refuse to let that happen. ( I will take them down.)

3. Jim Jordan presser. Look at this body orientation he is run off the stage body alignments and instead of standing firm straight up and down he is leaning quite dramatically to the side and onto the podium showing a lack of strength. Also,he is nervously playing with his note cards using them as comfort security. And finally notice his even faster than normal vocal pace, another strong nonverbal indicator that he wants to be out of there.

4. Head back laughing, unbridled over the top glee at what’s going on. In context in most business meetings in the corporate world if coworkers laughed like that at a potential boss they would have been at least reprimanded if not full-on fired for inappropriate behavior.

Trump's Body Language in Court, By Body Language Expert Patti Wood

Here is a story I did on Trump's body language.

Donald Trump was 'abnormally angry' for court but key signs show he's 'playing a part' to cover his fear, expert says | The US Sun (the-sun.com)

Body language expert Patti Wood analyzed Trump's court appearance and speech afterward and shared her findings with The U.S. Sun.

Right away, Wood noticed similarities between the court appearance and another of Trump's recent outings.

“The scowl on his face is very similar to the mugshot," Wood revealed, drawing a comparison to the photo from Trump's August arrest.

"If you break it down, you have the glare of anger, the lowered brow, and the glaze in his eyes.

“That scowl and the downward jowls are similar to the mugshot.”

Wood noted that while the expression is normal for Trump, it's abnormal for someone to express that level of anger in a courtroom.

“He’s playing this part of an angry man," she said.

“He wants to look angry and strong and defiant. But it’s normal in these circumstances.”

However, Wood said it's "unusual to show anger of that magnitude in mugshots and in court.

"So that choice is an interesting choice."

Wood continued, noting Trump's posture sitting at the table between his two lawyers.

“His body is strangely kind of hunched forward," she said.

"That hunching of his shoulders downward, the protecting of his body, actually is a more honest reveal.

"That reveals that he’s scared and he doesn’t feel powerful, he’s hunching forward almost like a child would do if they’re being scolded.”

'LACKED HIS USUAL VIGOR'

Trump addressed the media before the first day of the trial began, on a lunch break, and then at the end of the day.

Wood said that while Trump had his normal talking points, his body language told a different story.

“He had to power himself up and I got that from his breathing, the way he’d lift up and go into a talking point and just deliver it," Wood said.

"But it didn’t work because he’d start a sentence and then he’d have to start it over again."

Wood noted that Trump has trouble getting to the end of a sentence and that while he didn't speak for a long time, he did stop and restart several times.

“He acted as if he was strong and powerful and angry and attacking but his nonverbal was to stop midsentence and there to be this pause, and then he would finish, sometimes repeating words or changing to finish the sentence," Wood said.

“That’s a tell for the fact that he doesn’t really feel full confidence.

"His mental energy [is] not there to fight fully.”

As far as his gestures were concerned, Wood was quick to note that Trump's usual gestures were tighter to his body than normal.

“It’s the same accordion gesture he always does," she said, adding that "his arms from the shoulder up to the elbow were held tighter and closer to his body.”

“The way it showed up to the viewer is, again, a lack of power, a lack of energy.

“It lacked his usual vigor.”

McCarthy's Body Language and Messaging in his Speech Leaving the House Speaker Position, By Body Language Expert Patti Wood

I don't know if they will use it, but I contributed my thoughts on McCarthy's speech yesterday after his historic ousting.

In my book SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma, I talk about the Primacy and Recency Effect. The Recency Effect, that is the last thing you say or do has been shown in research to have a profound impact on your credibility.

1. McCcarthy had the opportunity to show inspirational leadership. With at least one well-crafted inspirational talking point to the nation that would be quoted not just by the media but in history books. Instead, he spent most of his speech blaming others for his ousting.

2. His nonverbal delivery, rather than being strongly delivered, with a powerful voice and volume level carried to the end of his sentences and open posture with large forceful gestures, was more like a “back room”, “look here guys”, talk with a loss of volume and strength in his voice at the end of his sentences showing weakness and lack of confidence in his messaging. Rather than speaking to the nation at a critical point in history, he was talking to his buddies after he lost the game. And showed poor leadership by blaming the other team and his horrible team.

3. He also showed fear and lack of confidence with comforting gestures like touching the back of his neck and pressing his fingernail to his forehead in a "Self-Beating" gesture as he quoted President Lincoln. He also showed a lack of respect and lack of confidence with small “Tongue Thrusts” as he spoke. People often give passive-aggressive tongue thrusts when they are cornered but don’t have the strength to fight. I see tongue thrusts in perp walks and when people are caught in crimes and are questioned on the courtroom steps and sometimes in murder trials by a suspect on the stand has dark triad behaviors.

Check out the photo. It's so interesting here how he starts the speech with a thumb to the forehead. It's a form of "self beating" showing he has bad thoughts and wants to press the off button on them.

I am one of the top body language experts in the country. I have been giving national media interviews at least twice a week for over 20 years. I speak to Fortune 500 Companies, and I am a media coach.

Trump Body Language in His Mugshot

You see his glare formed by his upper eyelids pushing down slightly his eyebrows drawn together pointing downward towards his nose along with the position of the head, jutted down and forward, and his upward glare he is giving a sociopathic stare.

Though the main "tell" of this stare is typically the whites showing under the pupil his highly dilated pupils provide a usual cover for that tell. His large pupils are his baseline, He has had enlarged pupils in most of the speeches, interviews, and photos I have analyzed since he first ran for president. Typically in nonverbal analysis enlarged pupils, can indicate low lighting in the environment, a sign of brain injury, a sign of someone having a stroke, or active drug use. Again, Though you don't see the whites of his eyes under his pupils in every other way this resembles a sociopathic stare.

Notice the inner corners of the eyebrow going down and the outer part of the outline going sharply up he forms what is called the devil's horns, and how his forward wrinkles on the you, the viewer's left side mimic that horned shape. The brow and forehead lines are sharp-edged. Our limbic brain 'reads" sharp edges in silhouette, gestures, and facial expressions as dangerous. They indicate someone is not feeling normal healthy peaceful happy emotions that appear smooth rounded. In addition, his face shows a lack of symmetry. The left side of the face is different than the right side, even the eyebrows and the forehead wrinkles are different. A lack of facial symmetry also is "read by the limbic brain as a danger sign. I go deeper into the lack of symmetry later in this article.

Notice how his lips are slightly pressed together and appear thinner than normal indicating his anger.

Look at this photo. How do you feel? Typically when somebody views a face expressing emotion of anger their limbic system responds very quickly with a strong emotion such as fear or corresponding anger and may go into the the freeze flight fight fall or faint response.

I’ve analyzed perp walk courtroom behavior and mug shots for years, it is unusual to see the mug shot of a white-collar criminal with such obvious anger.

It’s also interesting to see the difference in the right and left side of his face.

When someone is feeling conflicting emotions their limbic system may show it on one side of the face before they can fully control it so you see a lack of symmetry on the left and right side of the face of someone who’s feeling conflicted emotions.

Though he is clearly angry, if you as the viewer put your hand over the right side of the face you see the full complete facial configuration of the emotion of anger. If you put your hand over the left side of the space you can see slight traces of sadness at the mouth. As the outer corner of the lips is turned down slightly. But it’s not true sadness because his eyebrows and forehead still are in that focused downward motion of anger. So what he’s truly showing is the mouth expression that people make signaling their disbelief or negation of what’s going on.

Also, note his extreme pupil dilation. While it’s highly unusual in most people and a signal of possible stroke or brain injury or drug use. He has Jonas unusually large pupil dilation from the very first time I read him for the international news just before he ran for president the first time.

What is Malignant Narcissistic Hoovering and How Can You Deal With it? By Body Language and Relationship Expert Patti Wood

What is Malignant Narcissistic Hoovering and How Can You Deal With it?

By Body Language and Relationship Expert Patti Wood from her book and speech

Hoovering is a technique with a wide set of varying behaviors a malignant narcissist uses to suck you back into their influence and gameplaying.

Malignant Narcissists are said to have a different reward system in their brains. Most people like a moderate amount of positive attention and work not to receive negative attention such as criticism and anger.

Malignant Narcissists are insatiable. They have a dark void and never-ending need for attention and if they don’t get positive attention, they will seek negative attention. Just as a drug addict needs their supply of drugs, MC needs their narcissist supply, they need it to not fall into what feels to them a dark void of nothingness. Their self-esteem and their very existence depend on that supply.

People they can control, and influence provide their first supply source, and then also people they can say and show as being connected to.

Secondary supply includes economic safety, group acceptance, status, and visible success factors like a high-level job title, big house, or boat/yacht.

When they need a supply, and can’t get it or get enough of it from their current people under their control, say for example if a girlfriend breaks up with them, or they are out of town and feel lonely, they will go down their list of past controlled contacts and try to hoover them back in.

Hoovering can include everything from suddenly showing up at your door, to a simple out-of-blue, “Haven’t heard from you in a while.” Text. sending cards and gifts, to middle-of-the-night drunken phone call pleadings that can also turn into vicious threats and ranting attacks.

One of the ways to look at a potential Hoovering behavior to tell if it’s a sign that you are being targeted is to see or hear their behavior and check in with how it makes you feel. If your gut doesn’t like it, it’s hoovering, and you need to avoid being sucked in. Or if you feel overly elevated and overwhelmed by a love bomb Hoover attempt, check in with yourself and think how you felt at your worst with them. I recommend you write down all the bad things that happened when you were in their sphere of influence to remind yourself. MNs are master persuaders. They may woo and flatter, they may threaten, they may appeal to you by saying things like made a mistake, or I realize now I am lost without it. Whether your MN was a romantic partner, a relative, or an old boss they may try to lure you back into the “fairytale” of what was or what you hoped it would be.

Remember a MN does not care about you. They just remember you were a source of supply. It doesn’t matter how they hurt you in the past. It's all about what they need from you. They feel like it's their right to seek supply from you because you gave it to them at one time. Even if they got supply from abusing you, attacking you, assassinating your character, and other more horrible behaviors they will get out the hoover and come for you.

How you deal with hoovering should be monitored by the fact that they will keep coming back till they continue to get absolutely nothing from you.

Two factors that can help them stay away and not seek contact.

1. You must make sure they no longer get any “supply” from you. That means don’t respond, or if you are face to face or on the phone and can’t break the contact, be boring, have an emotionless voice and body language be bland. Don’t share anything about yourself and how you feel.

2. You have to hope are fed by lots of other people and sources of supply so they don’t cycle back to you as a formally reliable supply source. So, if your ex has a new gal, as much as you may fear for her future, her as a source of supply may keep him from hurting you. If a coworker is now getting his or her anger, that coworker is supply and not you.

3. You have to hope they won’t keep playing with you at a distance with actions like smear campaigns, name-calling, and damaging your other relationships as that can continue to feed them so they continue to feel connected and in contact and or you need to not care or give any energy to these actions they do to stay connected.

Why Do Guys Flirt with Other Women To Make You Jealous?

A man flirts to gain power. He shows interest in other women to illustrate to you his skills in making other women feel good, and light up because of his advances, and for you to see that other women (now your competition) are interested in him.

By flirting he can take away your confidence in yourself and your confidence in the security of your bond as a couple.

He wants to see a response from you. It’s an attempt at manipulation.

He may get to see you in pain, you get angry, you work harder to keep him, you become subservient and not make reasonable requests of him because a shift of power,

What Are Sanpaku Eyes? How They Can Help You Spot a Liar, Psychopath or Narcissist Insights from Body Language Expert Patti Wood

Top body language expert reveals secrets of the ancient art of "eye reading"

The entire article is here. https://www.firstforwomen.com/posts/mental-health/sanpaku-eyes The excerpts where I am quoted are below.

According to the ancient tradition of Japanese face reading, “sanpaku,” you can learn something interesting about people from how much of the whites of their eyes show. For most of us, the whites of our eyes only show on either side of our iris (the colored part of our eye). But for some folks, the whites (or sclera) show underneath the iris — this is known as “yin sanpaku.” In other people — and this is quite rare — the whites show above the iris — this is known as “yang sanpaku.” Read on to learn what these different types of eyes indicate about the people who have them — including the late Princess Diana.Yin sanpaku, or white under the iris, is believed by practitioners of traditional Japanese face reading to signal physiological turmoil, owing to drug abuse or overindulgence, and may hint at future struggles in life. People with whites below the iris may view the outside world as a danger — which could said of the three of the celebrity examples below: Marilyn Monroe, JFK and Princess Diana. “Singer Billie Eilish, Diana Ross, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean, Twiggie, Princess Diana and President John F. Kennedy all have or had this trait,” reveals body language expert Patti Wood author of Snap: Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma.

She adds that while sanpaku is a mystical tradition, science tells us that scleral show can be attributed to several factors from good old-fashioned genetics to health conditions like thyroid issues, which may cause the whites of the eyes to become more pronounced. Long before we had the science of body language, people were already ‘seeing things’ in the eyes,” says Wood. “That’s because eyes are the first part of the body we look at — they’re a key indicator of one’s emotional state and can signal the next action a person may take by what they’re looking at or focusing on.

What is a ‘reptilian stare’?

“The whites of the eyes are the first thing I notice when I look at police photos or a ‘perp walk,’” reveals Wood, who once consulted as a police officer trainer. She explains the wide, cold glare of serial killer Ted Bundy or Bryan Kohlberger, who is suspected of killing four college students last year, exposes more of the whites of their eyes. This sends chills down our spine because it activates the limbic system, triggering our fight-or flight-response—the body’s version of a fire alarm warning us of danger.

What is the ‘hypnotic gaze’?

While running into a Jack-Nicholson-in-the-Shining-esque psycho with an exaggerated “sanpaku stare” is about as likely as aliens touching down on Earth tomorrow, what is sadly more realistic is interacting with a narcissist. One trick of their manipulative trade is known as the “hypnotic gaze.”

“This is a focused and intense stare that makes you feel like they love and adore you in a way you’ve never felt from anyone before,” observes Wood. Trouble is a malignant narcissist may intentionally use this gaze as a weapon. “They might look at you intently during a conversation, but as soon as you question them, like ‘Why were you late for dinner?’ they’ll immediately drop their focus, making you feel horrible

They “hook” you on their laser-focused attention, then pull the rug out from you, leaving you disoriented and full of misplaced self-blame.

It’s helpful to note that psychologically healthy people — very charismatic folks, to be specific— also employ the “hypnotic gaze” to make you feel seen and heard, says Wood. But the key difference is a narcissist will use this strategy to exercise control over you.

Just knowing this is part of their larger arsenal of love bombing — showering you with compliments and attention — only to withdraw them on a whim, will shift the power dynamic in your relationship and help you create healthy boundaries.

How do you spot ‘lying eyes’?

Another “Pinocchio” signal to look for? Watch for someone’s blink rate to suddenly tick up. A rate of 40 blinks per second is normal, notes Wood, but if you, say, ask your teenager a question, like “Where were you last night?” and their eyes are instantly aflutter, it may indicate increased anxiety owing to deception, because we tend to blink more when emotions are high.

By Kristina Mastrocola July 6, 2023

How To Deal With a Difficult Bullying Boss. How to Communicate With a Bully to Seek Respectful Behavior.

By Patti Wood Body Language and Relationship Expert from her book and speech "The Conflict Cure."

Establish Commonality

When warring nations are negotiating for peace one of the steps they may take is to see what they have in common so they can begin to see each other as not just the enemy. It’s easy for a boss to bully someone they don’t have a personal relationship with. They can just be “The Boss.” It's also more likely if they don’t think you know are care about the beyond your business relationship that they can stay in bully-boss mode. You can take a first step towards becoming more connected by finding mutual interests. In addition, If you can see them as a fully three-dimensional person you are less likely to see them as a bullying boss and communicate with them with less fear and animosity.

For example ask them about their hobbies, vacation spots, favorite shows, and music. If you can find commonality your boss can see that you are more like them and less like just an “employee.”

Say to yourself, “he thinks the summer project is a priority and so do I.” State your commonalities out loud to your boss and seek them out loud. For example, “What are our common goals for this project?” What do we both see as the quota for this shift?” “What do we both want to see happen with this client/customer?” “What result do we both want from this meeting today?”

Repeat their criticism and attacks in a neutral voice

Repeat what the criticizer has just said. Repeating back the information gives both of you a better understanding of what was said, For example, you can say “Let me make sure I understand…” When I was working on a project with a rather bossy “always right” boss they yelled out one day “If you would do exactly what I told you to do exactly the way I told you to do it we wouldn’t have any problems.” I calmly repeated his statement. Guess what? He had been so angry when he said it he hadn’t even realized how horrible he sounded. When he heard me say it, he hung his head and said, “Oh, I’m sorry that sounded pretty bad.” You’ll find that repeating back helps you calm down to hear their message and be able to say it back to them calmly and helps them hear how it may have sounded to you.

Request clearly and specifically how you wish to be treated

With clear and specific examples point out their behavior, how you feel, and the costs, and then give a specific request about how you wish to be treated. For example, “For the last three weeks when you have made requests for me to do something, like get a project done by Friday, you have raised your voice and yelled at me and left and not let me discuss the task with you. I feel disrespected. In the future when you want something from me, I would like you to sit down and have a conversation, at a conversational volume, and seek my input and response. And if you can make that change, I will feel more valued and can do a better job for you and the company.”

“In the past we have not communicated in a way that I feel valued and respected, so going forward I am going to ask that you take the time to listen to me and my viewpoints and know that if I don’t feel heard I will tell you immediately and request that you listen to my needs and insights.”

Patti Wood, MA. Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.

Should You Reach Out to a Guy Who Gives You the Silent Treatment? How to Respond to Ghosting.

Silence is a nonverbal communication. When you reach out to a man to indicate your interest and they do not respond you are left with a black hole. Does silence mean dislike, indifference, withdrawal, passive-aggressive punishment, or some problem in their life that is engaging them that has nothing to do with you? Inside the agony of this ambiguity, the black hole, we project our expectations, emotions, and anxieties. The top four are What they think about you, what they feel about dating or having someone interested in them romantically, What’s going on in their life, Who they are, that is what kind of personality and social skills and issues they have.

Let’s look at those last two. They could have something going on in their lives, illness, loss, depression, workload. If that’s a possibility give them an option.
“I am interested in you, but it seems this a not a good time.” I am here if you want to reach out, but I will give you the time you need and reach out again in a month to see if it’s a better time.”

Let’s look at the other option if there is still a chance they are interested. They could find it hard to communicate for whatever reason.

“I know it's hard to do small talk and date.” “I am interested in getting to know you and I want to make it easier.” “If you are interested in me, just say, I am interested, but not sure, and want to take it slow.” “If I don’t hear back and will know you are not interested and that’s ok I just didn’t want to miss the chance to get to know you better.”

If you can rule out those reasons for their lack of response know that in In persuasion theory, it takes on average three claims to persuade someone. So listen to the message of three rejections. There is rather a magic number. Our brains seek patterns and three is the smallest number we need to create a pattern.

The general social rule is that three requests/emails, texts, or calls from you to them with no responses in most circumstances are an indication they are “ghosting” you.

They have communicated to you, just not with the message that you want.

You have three options. You get the message and break contact with them. Send a message that you get their message of disinterest and that you are sorry that you won’t get the chance to know them better or three send them a message that you are interested and know they are not currently at a place to connect and that will contact them in a month to see if their interest has changed.

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