Why is There and Increase in Bad Behavior During Covid? By Stander Intervention. Being a Good Samaritan in the Age of Covid.

Bystander intervention and "good samaritan" behaviors in the era
of covid. Are we becoming more or less caring? What would you do
- and what should you do - when you see a stranger in distress?

I have noticed and discussed a behavior change with my clients, audiences, and media. I really liked the options that AOC had on her Twitter feed after the Comic Sexually harassed her on the steps last week, and I have been thinking about this from a nonverbal perspective as well as an expert in DISC personality assessment

 

We see more risk-taking, rule-breaking behavior that started during lockdown when a larger percentage of high-risk takers, the “Drivers” and “Influencers” on the DISC personality inventory, were out without the usual “Correctors” and “Supporters.” That would typically model good rule-following behavior to prevent and stop it. Instead, for two years, the rule breakers have experienced an unprecedently freedom to do whatever they want. They have even increased their bad behavior to get to an increased “Rush” from the rule-breaking behavior, similar to a drug addict increasing their drugs or upping to a more dangerous drug.

 

So now that the rule followers are out and about, they are dealing with rule breakers that are more likely to feel all-powerful, that space and resources are theirs and can not be stopped. That’s a much more dangerous kind of person to deal with if you are trying to help someone being harmed or harmed by them. Our limbic brains respond to danger with one or more stress responses FREEZE Flight Fall, Faint, or Friend.

 

The Danger of being a “Good Samaritan” has increased because of the fear of catching Covid in regular face-to-face interpersonal interactions closer than six feet.

 

So I recommend that people assess the Danger of interacting before interacting. If you are freezing in place, for example, ask yourself if you are genuinely in Danger before acting. If your feet spread and your hands go into fists, should you jump in and fight or not?

There are simple things a good Samaritan can do, such as pull over in their car and get far behind someone of color who has been pulled over by the police, staying far enough away not to be in Danger but to act as an observer.

If someone is being actively harassed and you don’t feel safe actively intervening, you can also stay six feet away and give a critical look and act as an “I am watching you, so you better stop” Samaritan.

You and ask, “Do you want help now?” “I am here. Do you want me to call for help?”

 

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Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How to Deal With A Perfectionists Boss

To make sure they are receptive, don't interrupt them.  They like their solitude and prefer to know you will be coming to talk to them rather than having you just drop by. When you talk to a perfectionist, make your body language appropriate and reserved and your voice slow and at a low volume.  Allow long silent pauses for them to think before they speak.

Perfectionists tend to be smart, careful, and accurate. They crave facts and more facts and have trouble making decisions because they have so many details to consider. They welcome documentation, a lengthy testimonial, and statistical evidence that proves the point.

Explain until you are blue in the face, and they'll ask for more. Whether you give them task they have assigned you face to face or through email, they will email you back later with corrections, problems, mistakes that you made, and why it won't work.

Be prepared.  If possible, make sure you deal with the face of their criticism to face, or your project will drag out.  It will be weighed down with back and forth conversations and emails with what non-analytical people would consider minutia. Even when you think the "deal is done," they will want to come back with one more fix. 

Perfectionists are cautious because they want to ensure it is done the right way and produces the perfect result.

They typically think that if you do it their way, they can make it perfect or they can correct your mistakes so you can make it perfect.

To avoid doing tons of work and then having them come back with so many corrections, you have to start over; you can present the project in steps. "I will give you an outline by this date for your review, a rough draft by this date, and then I will go forward without changes to deliver it to the client by this date." Or, on a smaller project, to avoid delays, you may even offer a deadline for feedback and  criticism and say, "Could you get back to me by this date with problems, and after that, because of the client's deadline, we will of course, need to go forward."

 

 

 

Called the "Gold Standard" of Body Language by Washington Post and credited in the New York Times for bringing the topic to national attention Patti Wood is a true expert. Patti has degrees with an emphasis in Nonverbal Communication and taught Body Language at Florida State. She is the author of 10 books, Including SNAP Making the Most of First Impressions Body Language and Charisma, and she speaks and consults with Fortune 500 companies and associations. You see her on National TV shows like Good Morning America, The Today Show, The History Channel, and the National news. In addition, she is quoted every week in publications such as The Wall Street Journal, Psychology Today, Bloomberg Business Week, Fortune, Readers Digest, Good Housekeeping, Oprah, and USA Today.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Is Their Tension in the Relationship Between Today's Shows Savannah and Honda? Human Behavior Expert Patti Wood

 Here is the video I analayzed. 

https://www.the-sun.com/entertainment/5784437/todays-savannah-snaps-at-hoda-awkward-live-tv-moment/

 FYI I have been on the Today show with Savannah.

What is noticeable in the screen grab for the video is that Honda is in the background reaching under Savannah to taste and Savannah is looking directly at the Chef and speaking to the Chef while reaching out with her palm making a patting down motion in front of her to stop her and flicking her fingers toward the check to move her along.  We see Honda, ignore the command, but put her head down showing she is doing something, “Bad” and tasting it anyway as she gives a stuttered slightly tense, but still playful laugh.

In the short segment, Savannah is showing that she feels she is the grown-up, the parent, and in charge and feels like the laughing playful Honda is not paying attention to the rules. Savannah is more of a Corrector on the DISC personality assessment and wants to get things right and Honda is more a combination of the playful Influencer/ Supporter and their personalities clash in this segment. For years their personality differences have created the perfect balance on the show, but stress makes people go to their personality extremes, so Savanna is showing more perfectionism and Hondo is showing more of I just want to have fun carefree attitude.  

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How To Deal With a Critical Perfectionist Boss or Family Member

My sister and brother-in-law were coming to visit, and I was tense. I have known my brother-in-law since I was four years old. He was a full bird colonel in the Airforce and an Endodontist. He is a fix-it guy with a garage workbench of the Gods. He is intelligent, disciplined, and a supercritical perfectionist. He points out every problem he sees. I knew he would see every home repair mistake in my home. To stave off the criticism, I spent weeks getting the house ready. I cleaned, painted trim, magic sponged every light switch and door, hired a repair man to come to fix big projects, and my lawn guy to do an over-the-top trim and spruce up and power washing job.  I was so proud of my house. 

Of course, when he walked into my house, he peeked in every room, looking for something to criticize. He didn't see anything and seemed agitated as we sat at the counter and suggested we go out on the deck instead to have our drinks inside. Sitting outside he looked around but, didn't see anything. 

Then he got out of his chair and walked about an acre up the steep hill to the top of the backyard. Then he looked back at my house, and gleefully said, "You have a branch in the room of your garage, and you need to take care of that." My friends, the branch was a twig about a foot long. That twig made him very happy. Well, pointing out my mistake of leaving a twig on my roof made him very happy. I burst into laughter and told him what I had done to prepare for his visit. 

Sometimes knowing someone's personality, what drives them what bothers them most, and having a sense of humor about it is the first step to improving your relationship. 

Get-it-right personalities see every mistake and feel a strong and immediate need to fix them. A mistake "unfixed" can feel physically and emotionally painful to them. It stresses them out. Since mistakes stress them out they think that pointing yours out to you is helping you! "Hey!" "Here is a mistake you missed so you can fix it and remove the stress"  They can actually get a thrill, a chemical high from fixing and pointing out mistakes. Knowing what stresses out your boss and what makes them happy can help you. It's not that they think badly of you. It's just they HAVE to point out mistakes. 

You need to understand what they like and need. Perfectionists tend to be smart, careful, and accurate.  When they see the work you have done, they will correct you. If you think you have completed a task and even moved on to something else they may email you days or weeks later with corrections, problems, mistakes that you made, and why it won't work.

Perfectionists are cautious because they want to ensure it is done the right way and produces the perfect result. 

To make sure they are receptive, set up a time to talk. Don't interrupt them when they are working.  They like their solitude and prefer to know you will be coming to speak to them rather than having you drop by. When you talk to a perfectionist, make your body language appropriate and reserved and your voice slow and at a low volume.  Allow long silent pauses for them to think before they speak.

People want to be heard and understood and sometimes they won't listen to your needs because they are busy trying to make themselves heard. When you begin the conversation state you understand their top need. For a get-it-right perfectionist, you can say, "I know it's important to get things right and not have mistakes, and that is important to me too." 

Then say what you need. Set boundaries up front so your task/project won't be weighed down with back-and-forth conversations and emails with what non-analytical people would consider minutia. "I want to make sure we get this task done right so let's talk right now about what good right and perfect would look like and agree on it." 

And/or you can present the project in steps. For example, "I will give you an outline by this date for your review, a rough draft by this date, and then I will go forward without changes to deliver it to the client by this date.

If you have recently been criticized by a perfectionist and it is undermining a current task/project/sale you can use the ERASER method to have a courageous conversation with them to let them know how their criticisms are affecting you 

If I was upset about my brother in laws criticism of my house I could say.  "I know that having things perfect and my house taken care of is important to you and it is important to me too." "Today when you searched my house and yard for something to point out, I felt criticized in a way that made me feel bad." "While you are visiting can you also look for things you like and find admirable about my house so that I know you care for respecting me?" For more details on how to have that kind of conversation see my article on my method.   https://bodylanguagelady.blogspot.com/search?q=ERASER+ 

I admire and respect my brother-in-law and I have learned how to make us BOTH happy when we interact. I wish you greater understanding and happiness in dealing with your perfectionist relationships. 

 

 

 

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How To Call Out a Malignant Narcissist Bad Behavior and Gaslighting.

What to Say to Disarm a Narcissist?

When communicating with any Malignant Narcissists, the first thing to consider is that they get a Narcissistic Supply from your emotions. They can get supply from deceiving you into thinking they like, love, and admire you and supply from causing your pain. So to DISARM them give them no supply.

Your voice/paralanguage (Voice tone, volume, speaking rate tempo, breathing, etc.) is one of the primary pathways for conveying emotion. And your emotions can be a "supply" to feed a narcissist. You may feel angry, frustrated, or hurt, but don't give them the fuel of your emotions. Instead, "Go, Grey," and provide no emotion in your voice when you speak to them. Speak in a monotone, bland voice. Think of the most boring lecture you have ever heard and recreate that voice. You can give it a bit of energy and volume, so they don't ask you to repeat what you have said but speak slowly and plainly. Narcissists get off on the" game" of playing with people. Say what you need to say in a way that closes down denials and excuses.

For example, Malignant Narcissists may give excessive compliments, but they may seem odd, inaccurate, and sincere. They may do this to "trick" people into feeling odd. It can test a target to see if they will "take" the odd compliment, respond with an odd emotion, or display strength (not be a good victim target) and call them on it.

State one true thing about what they said or did and or about what you are doing or will do in response to their toxic behavior.

I like compliments. I am glad you give them. However, you just complimented me on my beautiful blue eyes. You have said that before, and I told you my eyes are green. When you don't see the actual color of my eyes, you are complimenting me, and you don't listen to me, and remember I have told you they are green. I don't feel seen or heard, making me doubt your sincerity. I like compliments. Just make sure they are sincere.

Lateness can be another manipulation test. They can use so many excuses for being late to test the target.

You said you would be here at 7:00, and you got here at 9:00. That breaks my trust in your word. So don't do that again.

The last three times you had a project, you did not follow through and complete them on time or appropriately. You gave excuses, but you didn't follow through. That makes me doubt your word and your ability to be responsible. I won't be able to work with you again if you don't complete on time and to standard.

Narcissists will push boundaries and are ready to say you were wrong in assessing their behavior. So be clear and specific in calling out their behavior and set a clear boundary.

You tell me on each date we go on that I am beautiful, that I am your one and only. The last three times we went out, you flirted openly with the waitress in a way that was sexual and harassing. Being nice to the waitress is, of course, fine, but. Talking about her appearance, her "sexy hair," saying she looks "Hot in that top" when she is well endowed and making her uncomfortable, and you do it when you see I am uncomfortable. I feel manipulated.  Could you not do it? Being nice to the waitress is, of course, fine. But don't be unkind and disrespectful. You are an adult. You know what I am talking about. There is no excuse for that behavior. Please don't do it.  

Tonight, while we were out, you shared with me how you found several other women attractive, and as you kept doing more and more, I noticed you turned and smiled mischievously and gleefully at me. Then you tilted your head when you saw it began to irate me. Yet you kept doing it. You enjoyed doing something that upset me. That is not funny. It's not "all in fun and play." It's manipulative. Please don't do it. Looking at other women is fine, but do not do it throughout the evening and keep escalating to get me upset. This kind of manipulation is not how you show love and caring. I don't like it. Don't do that again.

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.