From My Book
The number one red flag for you to notice or point out to friends is, do you feel uncomfortable? Next, notice what is going on in your body. Are you feeling; overwhelmed, stressed, hot, cold, nauseous, headachy, tired, or overstimulated with behavior or in a conversation or overall when you are with them. That's a sign that your central nervous system is alerting to danger with a FREEZE FLIGHT FIGHT FALL FAINT or Friend (play passively nice cause you are scared) response.
1. Signs to look for on the first meeting or
first date. Do you feel overwhelmed and swept up? Highly emotionally charged.
Does the conversation seem unusually intimate where one or both of you are
self-disclosing far too much? You usually build trust before intimate
self-disclosure. Are you sharing stories of your bad relationships? Do they
claim they were victims in their last relationship and tell you the horrible
details or ask you for yours? That's not normal or safe. Do
they compliment you more than once and for repeat a compliment several
times? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do they say you are different or
special on the FIRST date? Do they lean in close or touch you in a way that
seems too intimate on the FIRST date? Do they describe their ex as
crazy, bipolar, a drug addict, anorexic, or a bitch, and have a look of
hostility or voice that sounds angry or excessively bitter as they describe
their ex or other women?
Signs
on first dates or later in the relationship
2. Do they break the rules and push past
boundaries? Though they may seem like fine upstanding citizens to the outer
world, they show their true natures when they are with intimate friends and
family or those with less power and or who are beholding to them. Those
"off-camera" or "off-stage" times show their true natures.
I remember the friend of many years who seemed like such a fine person in our
group of friends, yet the first time I went on a date with him and was alone
with him. We went to leave his condo parking garage, and he said, "Oh, let
me go out to your car with you and I will drive you out of the parking garage
so I can use my pass and you don't have to pay." "They have cameras,
and so they will see me in the driver's seat, and you won't get in
trouble," I said I would prefer to pay, but he insisted, and then I
realized he got a high as he was driving my car and cheating, and he even
smiled at the camera. It made me uncomfortable. That was a huge red flag!
3. Note untrustworthy people keep going. Your
feelings don't matter. They don't stop doing something that makes you
uncomfortable. Lack of empathy -They ignore, seem unaware, or even seem to
enjoy your lack of comfort, disease, or pain. For example, an untrustworthy
person may break a boundary by interrupting you and not stop when you show that
it bothers you. They may touch you the overly familiar way when you have just
met and may ignore or enjoy it when you freeze or pull away, saying No
and even perhaps laughing, smiling, and patting their hand down in the air when
you disagree or make a request. This is the worst and most dangerous of the
behaviors because if they can't see someone's pain and feel no consequences for
your actions, you have no incentive to be a good person. Untrustworthy people
may learn to ACT like they know how you feel, but it won't be natural and
spontaneous. It will typically only occur AFTER they do something wrong and
still may be more about how bad THEY feel for mistreating you rather than
feeling your pain.
They don't keep their word. They break promises. They may say they are sorry, but they don't change their behavior. A person with integrity keeps their name. To betray or exploit someone would cause them pain. For example, you tell them something in confidence, share it with others, and then don't seem distressed that it upsets you.
They don't
trust others. It makes sense that someone who has no qualms about breaking
their word and destroying trust cannot imagine that other people could be
honest. The more monovalent and suspect they are of everyone, the worse their
behavior is. They will accuse innocent people of the same behaviors that they
exhibit. So, an abusive partner will accuse their partner of cheating because
he is.
They don't
keep their word. They break promises. They may say they are sorry, but they
don't change their behavior. A person with integrity keeps their name. To
betray or exploit someone would cause them pain. For example, you tell them
something in confidence, share it with others, and then don't seem distressed
that it upsets you.
An
Inconsistency and lack of predictability in their emotions and actions. And the
untrustworthy person is not anchored by their integrity. They are not held
steady and guided by a moral compass. So they will not only make a promise then
break it, say they will be somewhere at a certain time and then be late.
Dominating the conversation. This "over-talking" involves auditory space invasion and other paralanguage factors that show they are in control. They are often quite charming and good storytellers, so it may be hypnotic to listen to them. You need to watch for a lack of inclusion. You need to note if they are in a conversation at all. They may just be listening to a monologue, which is not normal. A loving partner shares talking time even with an introverted partner. Note how often they blame others for everything. There are true victims of abuse, and we need to make sure we are empathic and kind of victims. But if someone acts unkindly, brusquely, and bullies others but claims victimhood, they are clearly not a victim. Note how those closest to them act in their presence. Are they happy? Do they seem stable, balanced, confident, and healthy in the presence of the person who you are assessing? Over the top, ideal behavior. That means everything from not just giving you a sincere compliment but over the top compliments till you feel uncomfortable and can't possibly reciprocate. Overt the top gift-giving, bringing an outrageously expensive gift. They are rule-breakers of giving. For example, they may do something that is not polite or odd, like complimenting you about your tininess in front of someone who is big or sending you flowers to your workplace with a love note when they have not met your coworkers.
Abusers require your full attention all the time. That may be as simple as you have to sit right beside them when you are watching television and are upset when you get a phone call or need to leave to take care of something. It may mean that if you go to a movie, concert, or are in a group setting, they talk and want your attention, so you can't focus on your enjoyment. They may be jealous of your family, friends, pets, work, hobbies, or other activities.
