What Makes a Guy Look Sleazy? First Impression Don'ts for Men

what makes a guy look sleazy?

A shirt that pulls tight across his chest because it is way too small.

Any shirt or piece of clothing with a curse word or put down or dirty saying

Wearing a t-shirt that is not just small, but from what’s printed on it, is obviously from his high school wardrobe

A pinky ring

More than one necklace on anyone but a rock star

Slick backed hair

A pompadour or other out-of-date hairstyle (Don't make me get started on Politicians that can't seem to get an up to date style)

You know what I mean. Some guy with a high school style shows that they are still a teenager emotionally and can’t face being an adult.

A gold tooth

Collars on his shirt that are on ironed and or worn or curled or brittle

Shirt unbuttoned more than three buttons, two if the shirt is too small as well

A belt with worn down leather and or cracks in the leather

Shoes that are scuffed, have worn down bottomed dirty, and or don’t fit

Shoes that clomp or clap when he walks

Dirty nails

Dirty teeth

Bad breath

Greasy hair

Hair that needs to be cut

Hair in his eyes

Pants that are way too tight in the crotch

Pants with an outdated print

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Red Flag Warnings You are Dealing with a Narcissist

From My Book

The number one red flag for you to notice or point out to friends is, do you feel uncomfortable? Next, notice what is going on in your body. Are you feeling; overwhelmed, stressed, hot, cold, nauseous, headachy, tired, or overstimulated with behavior or in a conversation or overall when you are with them. That's a sign that your central nervous system is alerting to danger with a FREEZE FLIGHT FIGHT FALL FAINT or Friend (play passively nice cause you are scared) response. 

1.      Signs to look for on the first meeting or first date. Do you feel overwhelmed and swept up? Highly emotionally charged. Does the conversation seem unusually intimate where one or both of you are self-disclosing far too much? You usually build trust before intimate self-disclosure. Are you sharing stories of your bad relationships? Do they claim they were victims in their last relationship and tell you the horrible details or ask you for yours? That's not normal or safe. Do they compliment you more than once and for repeat a compliment several times? Does it make you feel uncomfortable? Do they say you are different or special on the FIRST date? Do they lean in close or touch you in a way that seems too intimate on the FIRST date? Do they describe their ex as crazy, bipolar, a drug addict, anorexic, or a bitch, and have a look of hostility or voice that sounds angry or excessively bitter as they describe their ex or other women?

Signs on first dates or later in the relationship

2.      Do they break the rules and push past boundaries? Though they may seem like fine upstanding citizens to the outer world, they show their true natures when they are with intimate friends and family or those with less power and or who are beholding to them. Those "off-camera" or "off-stage" times show their true natures. I remember the friend of many years who seemed like such a fine person in our group of friends, yet the first time I went on a date with him and was alone with him. We went to leave his condo parking garage, and he said, "Oh, let me go out to your car with you and I will drive you out of the parking garage so I can use my pass and you don't have to pay." "They have cameras, and so they will see me in the driver's seat, and you won't get in trouble," I said I would prefer to pay, but he insisted, and then I realized he got a high as he was driving my car and cheating, and he even smiled at the camera. It made me uncomfortable. That was a huge red flag!

3.      Note untrustworthy people keep going. Your feelings don't matter. They don't stop doing something that makes you uncomfortable. Lack of empathy -They ignore, seem unaware, or even seem to enjoy your lack of comfort, disease, or pain. For example, an untrustworthy person may break a boundary by interrupting you and not stop when you show that it bothers you. They may touch you the overly familiar way when you have just met and may ignore or enjoy it when you freeze or pull away,  saying No and even perhaps laughing, smiling, and patting their hand down in the air when you disagree or make a request. This is the worst and most dangerous of the behaviors because if they can't see someone's pain and feel no consequences for your actions, you have no incentive to be a good person. Untrustworthy people may learn to ACT like they know how you feel, but it won't be natural and spontaneous. It will typically only occur AFTER they do something wrong and still may be more about how bad THEY feel for mistreating you rather than feeling your pain.

They don't keep their word. They break promises. They may say they are sorry, but they don't change their behavior. A person with integrity keeps their name. To betray or exploit someone would cause them pain. For example, you tell them something in confidence, share it with others, and then don't seem distressed that it upsets you.

They don't trust others. It makes sense that someone who has no qualms about breaking their word and destroying trust cannot imagine that other people could be honest. The more monovalent and suspect they are of everyone, the worse their behavior is. They will accuse innocent people of the same behaviors that they exhibit. So, an abusive partner will accuse their partner of cheating because he is.

They don't keep their word. They break promises. They may say they are sorry, but they don't change their behavior. A person with integrity keeps their name. To betray or exploit someone would cause them pain. For example, you tell them something in confidence, share it with others, and then don't seem distressed that it upsets you.

An Inconsistency and lack of predictability in their emotions and actions. And the untrustworthy person is not anchored by their integrity. They are not held steady and guided by a moral compass. So they will not only make a promise then break it, say they will be somewhere at a certain time and then be late.

Dominating the conversation. This "over-talking" involves auditory space invasion and other paralanguage factors that show they are in control. They are often quite charming and good storytellers, so it may be hypnotic to listen to them. You need  to watch for a lack of inclusion. You need to note if they are in a conversation at all. They may just be listening to a monologue, which is not normal. A loving partner shares talking time even with an introverted partner. Note how often they blame others for everything. There are true victims of abuse, and we need to make sure we are empathic and kind of victims. But if someone acts unkindly, brusquely, and bullies others but claims victimhood, they are clearly not a victim. Note how those closest to them act in their presence. Are they happy? Do they seem stable, balanced, confident, and healthy in the presence of the person who you are assessing? Over the top, ideal behavior. That means everything from not just giving you a sincere compliment but over the top compliments till you feel uncomfortable and can't possibly reciprocate. Overt the top gift-giving, bringing an outrageously expensive gift. They are rule-breakers of giving. For example, they may do something that is not polite or odd, like complimenting you about your tininess in front of someone who is big or sending you flowers to your workplace with a love note when they have not met your coworkers.

 Abusers require your full attention all the time. That may be as simple as you have to sit right beside them when you are watching television and are upset when you get a phone call or need to leave to take care of something. It may mean that if you go to a movie, concert, or are in a group setting, they talk and want your attention, so you can't focus on your enjoyment. They may be jealous of your family, friends, pets, work, hobbies, or other activities.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

How Can You Improve You First Impression? How Can You Improve Your Nonverbal Communication?

I suggest in my programs that people write down how they think people perceive them with a long list that includes things like, "Shy, happy, kind…." Then write down what their actual behaviors are under all the categories like, "I like to arrive 15 minutes early to all appointments, or I run about 15 minutes or more late everywhere I go,  I go straight to my desk in the morning and don't stop or make eye contact, I like to wear baggy comfortable clothes. Then look at just the list of behaviors, and beside each behavior, write how other people might perceive it, such as arrogant, lazy, uncaring, or unprofessional.

I also coach clients to do what I call "Check-ins." I teach them to do quick check scans up and down their body surroundings to see how others might perceive them. Whether that's a glace in the mirror before going out, an assessment of how you and your zoom box may appear to others by creating your own Zoom meeting and doing a check-in before a critical company Zoom call or check-in from toes to the top of your head to note important connection cues such as where your feet are pointed, if your knees are crossed, if the palms of your hands are showing, if you are making eye contact for longer than three seconds.  

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

What Are the Common Types or Categories of Nonverbal Communication?

Paralanguage or Vocalics- are all the nuances of the voice, pitch, volume, rate, vocal quality, and fillers. I include breathing, sneezing, laughing, etc. It helps us assess personality, emotional intensity, and humor and helps give us cues to regulate the flow of conversation. Many experts consider paralanguage to be the most honest nonverbal communication and the best way to assess deceit.

I can analyze someone's sneeze and tell you their personality type on the DISC assessment tool. Fun example -When under stress, someone may suddenly cough or clear their throat. So, if you are in a movie theater and a character is revealed as unfaithful, stop and listen to the people in the theater. If someone suddenly clears their throat or cough may be unfaithful! I include Silence under this heading and also include it under Chronemics, while some researchers give it its own category.

Chronemics – is the use of time to reflect personal or cultural identity, power, status, and liking. I have a chapter in one of my books on lateness as a nonverbal communicator and the common meanings of tardiness! If you have ever waited for a return call or text, you have experienced it.

Kinesics – are all body movements. It includes; gestures, body motions, and positions, as well as facial expressions. They reflect our perception of ourselves and others and the situation and topic. For example, a tilted head, a hair toss, an open palm, a crossed leg, a tight smile, a foot tap, and winking are all body movement cues.

 

Proxemics – are the zones of space we use to communicate the level of trust, intimacy, and status. We are drawn toward what we like and are repelled by what we don't.

The zones of space are intimate (0 to one and a half feet), personal (1and ½ to two feet., social (two to six), and professional (six to twelve. (Unless you are Putin.

We saw interesting changes in Proxemics uring Lockdown for Covid. Even before "six feet' Was given as a safe distance, people would often freeze when they got within six feet of someone. That is a natural stopping point for assessment and previously the distance where you might start to put out your hand to shake hands. And many people also reserved what is called "Intimate Zone"of space" of 0 to 15 inches for only close family. And the body bubble of intimate space has grown from 12 inches in the '90s to up to 1 and a half feet. The zones of space have changed. They have increased over time so if you look them up, you will see disagreement about the defined distances.

 

Physical appearance – physical characteristics such as skin color, height, weight, facial features, and facial and body symmetry and attractiveness influence how people perceive us and vice versa. People often perceive trustworthiness, introversion or extroversion, maturity, and friendliness by someone's looks, sometimes incorrectly. For example, the tallest, broadest candidate in political debate is often perceived as the "winner," and attractive people are often perceived as having more positive traits.

Artifacts - are material things we wear or attach to our bodies to express our identities. These include earrings, makeup, tattoos, a small dog we carry, etc. In addition, they include things like long painted fingernails, uniforms to display professionalism and draw respect from people, colors like red that create excitement, and high-end luxury branding on items.

Territory/Environmental Factors are the elements of a surrounding or setting. Colors, lighting, furniture arrangement, design, and many others affect our actions.

These days we analyze what I have labeled someone "ZOOM Box" to assess someone's personality, status, and emotional state. Music and scent in stores and other businesses can create different moods and actions and are even used to make a "brand" sense.

Haptics is the sense of touch to convey emotions. This includes hugging, kissing, holding, shaking hands, patting, etc. Research shows that touch is the first sense to develop, and it plays an essential role in well-being. In some cultures, skin contact between men and women is considered offensive, and in others, people touch the mate over 100 times in an ordinary conversation. As we learned in the MeTo movement, touch can be used to show power and status.

My original doctoral dissertation was on touch in the workplace, so I can give you more if you need it.

Technics –are cues are given through and by our use of technology. ( I created this category. There is not a universally recognized name for this category. I include things like ghosting, font type, and how you hold your phone. The kind of phone you carry would be an artifact, but someone's addition and constant use would be considered part of Technics. 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.
     

Why Do We Use Nonverbal Communication?

We use Nonverbal Communication for survival specifically to quickly avoid danger, find food and water, mate and raise young safely. We see, hear, and feel, and our body responds with the Freeze, Flight, Fall/Faint, or Friend response. Nonverbal communication is given out and processed in the limbic system, which is designed to respond quickly, and Word language is processed in the Neocortex.

For example, we can form an accurate first impression to assess someone is safe to approach in less than 1/300^th of a second. (Fun fact we can recognize a smile from 300 feet away, and we have limbic system stranger danger assessment at 15 feet that is constant across different cultures) So are "gut" impression is often formed and acted upon before any words are spoken. In addition, we use and can rely on Nonverbal Communication which is, for the most part, subconscious communication to be more accurate than word language that is filtered through the Neo Cortex and can be manipulated.

Even a two-year-old covered in cookie crumbs from their cookie jar theft can look you right in the eye, lie and say, "I didn't steal the cookie." But since we can give out thousands of cues in less than a minute, the child cannot typically control them all they may turn their body away, swing their back foot, give a lopsided smile, and speak with awkward pacing, all forms of nonverbal leakage that reveal that their lying. 

Patti Wood, MA - The Body Language Expert. For more body language insights go to her website at www.PattiWood.net. Check out Patti's website for her new book "SNAP, Making the Most of First Impressions, Body Language and Charisma" at www.snapfirstimpressions.com.